Dream about Louis and John V

I sooo don’t understand why this dream I just woke from happened at all.  I get the part about Louis (and the other ones inside), but I don’t understand about John V, the great love in my life before my wife.

All through the dream, two themes were constant….how confused I am because Louis is unhappy…and how desperate I was to prove to John that I love him.  And the disturbing part is that I wasn’t ashamed of it.  I SHOULD be ashamed of being in love with anyone besides my spouse!!!!!  And I don’t know if I really AM in love with him, but I definitely was head over heels in this dream, just like I was for so many years.  It felt just like it used to, when he loved me back, which I don’t have a clue whether or not he does now.

Maybe that’s why I keep thinking and dreaming about John, from time to time…because I know he loved me, too.  Nobody else ever did, before.  And I know I love him now, whether it’s exactly the same or not…but dreams like this really confuse me, because it felt right to be seeking him out to prove how much I love him.  I knew I was married, but my wife was okay with it, for some reason.

Sometimes I really think it would be a lot better if I were dead.  I couldn’t screw things up and complicate them the way I seem uniquely gifted in doing.

On the other note of the dream:

At one point, I was running through what looked like an airport, when I collapsed.  Some people came up to me and told me I didn’t have to leave; they knew I was afraid to say who I was.  Louis JUMPED to the forefront and said, "You’re not supposed to know that!  How do you know?!!!!"  They said it said so in my tests (then I remembered having taken psychiatric tests).  Then one smart-ass nurse said, "But we know your name is Berry."  He said, ‘It is not.  My name is…." and he had to think, "Louis."  The nurse smiled that pedantic smile they sometimes do and said, "No it isn’t. It’s Berry."  That’s when I FELT Louis turn rigid, hard, and totally angry, in a way I’ve never known him to do before.  He settled down instantly and said, "Don’t TELL ME I am WRONG when I KNOW I’m RIGHT about ME!  MY NAME IS LOUIS!"  And it was still Louis, not Oscar.  That was odd.