Drawn towards something besides light

 

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

Exactly what is it that draws me to bad things?  Am I doing something wrong with my life?

It feels as if I am constantly drawn to needy people who think about what is best for them, under the guise of what is helpful for my family and me.

The latest trial was yesterday’s fight with Lola.  Oscar did not handle it correctly, yet I do not feel he was in the wrong with his feelings.  Allow me to give an example of what went on in the car yesterday.

Lola : (just stepping into the car) We’re gonna go to Walmart, then we’re gonna go to Academy.  We’ll come back to my apartment…I already told Lori you’d be sitting up there, so she can’t have a problem with that.

Oscar : It’s YOUR apartment, so she can’t have a problem with that, really!

Lola : Lori just took off walking for the bus stop.  I tried to get a hold of you, but you didn’t answer the phone.

Mikey : We just saw her walking down the street.

Lola : You can pick her up and take her to Walmart.

Mikey : It won’t hurt her to walk!

Lola : Come on now, if Lori had a car, she wouldn’t make YOU walk.  That’s not right!  You gonna let her walk in this heat?

Oscar : Where’s the bus stop?

Lola : It’s right down the street, not much further than she is.

<span style="font-weigh

t: bold;”>Oscar : Then why would it hurt for her to walk?

Lola badgered us until we stopped the car and honked to get Lori’s attention.  It wasn’t that we MINDED giving Lori a ride to Walmart.  What we minded was being TOLD to do it.  We’re adults, last I looked, and it is only courteous to ASK, not TELL adults to do things.  Would it really have hurt for her to ask us, "Hey, would you mind giving Lori a ride to the bus stop?"

It wouldn’t have hurt her a bit.  Instead, she jumped into the car, set a plan into place, and didn’t even bother to ask if we needed to go anywhere or do anything.  As it happened, I didn’t even want to be out of my house.  It was very hot outside, and I’ve been having a lot of problems breathing.  I feel as if that was completely unimportant to Lola, as long as she did what SHE needed to do.

Then, there was also the issue of going back to her apartment to sit and wait until the movie began.  I don’t know how many times we have told her that it is difficult for Mikey to climb the stairs…it just doesn’t seem to MATTER to her.  That made me even angrier.  Since Oscar was the one who was out, nastiness ensued.

At Walmart, she jumped back into the car, telling us how she couldn’t cash her check…the line was too long.  So she HAD to go over to Academy.  I was under the impression, at that moment, that she was going to Academy just to cash her check.  I didn’t know they did that,  and I’m not sure if they do.  NOW, I realize, after finding out a bit more, that she probably intended to buy Malcolm a uniform for school.  She didn’t bother explaining that to me.  She expected me to KNOW what they sell at Academy.  I thought it was a gym!!!!!!

I sent Lola an apology last night.  I apologized for jumping all over her.  Whether or not she reads and/or accepts is is beside the point, at this time.  I did my duty, and that is good enough.  If she automatically deleted my email, as she said she would, then that means, to me, that she is ready to get rid of me.  I don’t need anyone who doesn’t need me.  If she wants to be part of my life, she has to realize that I am NOT one to be dominated.

Meanwhile, I WAS tempted to call her or write again.  I will pass on that.  If she is interested, I will let her make contact.  I already tried.  If she doesn’t realize that, then that is her problem, not mine.

Maybe this is God’s way of telling me something.  If I am THAT easy to throw away, then I didn’t need to be kept in the first place.

We’ll see what happens.  I’ll dismiss my case WITH PREJUDICE.

I hate this process of trying to figure things out.  It makes me feel so stupid, as if I’ve lived my whole life not realizing anything.  And that’s a long time not to realize things!

Love,

Betty Louise