As things degrade, once again

 Before I start, I’d like to wish my Uncle Clyde a happy birthday!  He turns 62 today.

Now…

I’m trying to remain as positive as possible, which is not easy for me.  I’ve always been a pessimistic optimist.  Or maybe an optimistic pessimist.  Whatever, I’ve always WANTED the best, but it’s so hard to achieve it and so easy to be frustrated and/or pissed off when it doesn’t happen or doesn’t last.

But not this time.  I’m too goddamned tired.  Joyce and LV are starting to find things to hold against us.  I’m amazed it wasn’t Laurie who did this first.  Yesterday, there was a to-do about Hunter and a burger from Jack In The Box.  My friend Diana had offered Laurie and me something to eat.  I tried to decline, but she was rather adamant, and my wife wanted it, so I gave in and we got it.  Since I wasn’t buying (so it wasn’t MY MONEY BEING SPENT), I didn’t tell Joyce about it.  All would have been well, except later, I put one of Laurie’s burgers in the fridge.  Hunter saw it and asked if he could have it.  I told him no, because it was Aunt Laurie’s.  I had no idea he had had nothing to eat, at that point.  Also, I had been under a few YEARS’ worth of attacks by my wife for "putting kids in front of her".  I assumed….that right there is a big mistake….that Hunter just wanted it because it was there, not because he really was hungry.  

So Joyce calls Mama and says "we" need to do something about the whole no-food situation.  Before I go on, let me clarify.  "We" might have meant the four adults in our house OR those people PLUS our parents, because we have fed them on our dime quite a few times, since they moved across the street, and even before, actually.  

It’s not that I’d ever hold it against them, because I don’t.  I say that because what happened next needed a little back-story.  Mama didn’t hang her phone up properly, so Joyce heard what happened after she thought she had.  Wayne asked what Joyce had said.  Mama told her verbatim, and Wayne’s response was, "Why should WE feed THEM?"  That really hurt Joyce’s feelings, which, in turn, pissed me smooth the fuck off.  I’m tired of that grumpy old bastard hurting everybody, but especially his own daughter, who does more for him than ANY of his other kids do!  I have my issues with Joyce, but she is MY SISTER, and I LOVE HER.  It really irks the shit out of me that people think it’s OKAY to treat her like shit, because it’s not.  It’s not, goddamnit.  

Anyway, Joyce was upset about the JITB thing, which I apologized for, but I also knew it was only the beginning.  I’ve been in this situation too many times not to know what’s ahead.  It will only snowball from here.  But you know what?  I’m not going to take part in it.  I DID apologize, but I also maintain my position that I didn’t deny Hunter to be mean.  I also didn’t allow my friend to buy food for us to be selfish, exactly.  Kinda.  My wife was hungry, so I gave in.  If I’m expected to deny my wife, just because someone else is hungry, that’s just too bad.  I love my nephew, but, cold as this makes me feel…he is not MY responsibility, ultimately.  But Laurie IS, because she can’t go out and get herself anything.  I can and will do without.  I don’t like it, but I will do it.  But it wasn’t just me.  And I’ll be damned if I’m stupid enough to say, "Oh, get Laurie something and NOT ME" while I’m in the car, placing the order, with blessing to get myself something, too!  Likewise, I kept all this from Joyce, in order NOT to hurt her feelings, since I couldn’t provide for her, too.

I’m tired of always worrying about what someone else thinks or perceives.  The only reason I explain here in such detail is so there will be a record, and maybe after I’m dead, someone can read it and see I wasn’t as much of a bastard as they thought I was.  Or maybe I am.  I don’t fucking care anymore.