About Mikey and our friends

I feel kinda hypocritical about this entry, even though I’ve only just begun to type it.  Everyone who reads us regularly knows that I, Piers, do not care much for Mikey’s personality.  However, I discovered that I do, indeed, have rather deep feelings for him, as he is part of the person I am partnered with for the rest of my life.  But don’t tell him that, because he’ll get a swelled head! 

We just finished having an argument with a close friend.  It wasn’t Oscar or I who were arguing.  It was Jack.  He wasn’t out in the forefront, but we relayed what he was saying, for the most part.  As usual, lately, we argued about Mikey.  That’s become a problem, lately.  I think I know why.

All of us in here, including Jack, complain a lot about Mikey.  Not Laurie, the whole person, but Mikey in specific.  Mostly, what we’re seeking is a sounding board, because the way our temper is configured is that we burn hot and fast, then fizzle out after we rant a while.  And we’re not mad anymore!  With the friends we choose, this is proving problematic.  We always seem drawn to outspoken, take-no-shit kind of people who are not exactly the "listener" type.  They voice their opinions.  With most topics, this is fine.  Where family is concerned, it is not fine.  Not for Jack, especially. 

What he’s after is someone to listen to him bitch and gripe, who will dismiss it just as soon as he does.  What he GETS is people who listen to him bitch and gripe, and then they stay mad at Mikey about it.  Not everybody.  Ninja Writer, this doesn’t apply to you!

There seems to be no safe source for him to vent, except here!  So from now on, we’re going to try to make sure Jack, or any of us, for that matter, only vent in the diary.  This will be an ENORMOUS change, so I don’t know how quickly we can catch on.  

I think Jack is dying.  He’s changed, and it’s getting more and more drastic.  He has gotten FAR more neurotic, for one thing.  A nice way to put it would be that he’s anally retentive.  He used to be fun and outgoing.  Now, he’s sad most of the time, angry part of the time, and kinda pathetic, if you can pardon my saying that.  This whole drug thing with Mikey has worn him out.  I’m not pointing fingers.  I’m not assigning any blame.  I’m just stating my view.  He’s exhausted, beyond the point of reason, from trying to push Mikey into admitting there’s a problem…to the doctor!  Mikey admits it at home, but he can’t seem to bring himself to tell the doctor about it. 

With the added pressure of family, particularly MH and Mama, and friends,  Jack is cracking under the strain.  They all seem to hold HIM accountable for saving Mikey’s life.  I know that it’s really Mikey’s own responsibility, not ours.  We’re each responsible only for ourselves and our minor children…and we don’t have minor children.  As much as any of us might WANT to make it our responsibility, it just doesn’t fly, especially with me.  I fail to understand why I’m held accountable for EVERYTHING I do, including having several mental disorders, yet Mikey’s drug problem is somehow MY responsibility, too.  It is not.  It is of great importance and concern to me, but it is ultimately Mikey’s responsibility.  After all, when/if I have to call our daughters and explain to them that their mother accidentally killed herself, what am I supposed to say?  "I killed your mother, because she took too many pills"?!!!!  How am I supposed to explain it to our grandson Nathaneal?  What should I say to him?  "Your Grandma Laurie died today.  I killed her, because SHE took too many pills."  

How would the girls feel, knowing their mother wouldn’t face up to her problem in a proper way, so she died from it?  Would they hate ME for not "doing something about it"?!!!!  What am I supposed to DO?!!!!!  I push, I pull, I beg, I plead, I ask, I tell, I’ve even told the damned DOCTOR that she’s overdosing!!!!!!!!!  Did it do any good, any of it?  NO!

This might sound fucked up, but I almost wish she was doing an illegal drug.  At least I could have her locked up or put into rehab, in those circumstances.  What can I do when she’s binging on prescription medications?!!!!  At least with cocaine, X, smack, crack, SOMETHING, I could DO something….take action.  With Oxycontin and Vicodin, plus Restoril and Klonopin, what the hell can I do?  I’ve hidden them.  She finds them.  I’ve tried letting Mama administer them, but there’s always a war, and I’m tired…oh, so tired, of the fights.  There’s always the "I need my fucking medicine!" fights.  There’s usually an "I didn’t marry your fucking MOTHER!" fight.  

<span

style=”font-family: Monotype Corsiva;”>But you DID marry my family, Mikey.  Don’t you understand?  When I took you, I took your daughters as mine.  When you took me, you took my family as yours, too.  Mama is your MOTHER-in-law….that means that LEGALLY, she is partially your mother, too!  Sean is my cousin now.  Blanche and Marcia are my aunts now.  Nathaneal and Jr. are my grandsons now.  Suzanne is my cousin now.  Shelby is my cousin now.  Govia is my cousin now.  Jonah is my cousin now.  The list keeps going!  Do I need to name all of OUR family?  

Who’d have thought I could be sentimental? 

There’s GOT to be a solution to this problem.  Divorce is not it.  Neither of us should ever threaten that again.  I can say that, since I’m the one who’s threatened it before.  If we divorced, I KNOW Mikey would die for sure.  My sister is concerned that by staying married, I will die.  If that’s the case, then I’ve lived a pretty good life, and I guess I would rather it be me than Mikey.  

But I’m not ready for either of our deaths, so….

I think I’ll help Louis write the lyrics to his long-proposed song, called "Lost Little Boy".  That’s what I feel like right now.

PdC