A little bumfuzzled
It’s early in the morning, and I’m thinking about a lot of things as I wake up with my first cup of coffee. I just read the entry about insecurity rearing its ugly head, and I feel…confused, maybe…about it.
The hardest thing in my life right now, emotionally, is trying to modulate my apparent obsession with Mama. As I said, she has been really distant for a while now, but I know it’s not entirely by choice. Some of it is. I know (and understand and don’t mind) that she needs peace and tranquility, and with a disturbed offspring, no matter the age, it’s hard to achieve that. The rest of it (and the bulk of it) is that Wayne dominates her, and she feels like it’s gone on for too long to change it now. I only know this because she told me….the part about it going on so long she can’t change it. It’s obvious to everyone that Wayne dominates her. Kinda like Laurie does me, but Laurie is usually light-years different from Wayne. She is controlling, I THINK, because she knows I need more discipline, structure, or SOMETHING to keep me from destroying my own life over and over again.
It is rather ironic that Laurie and I, both troubled people, have a troubled child of our own. She is 30 years old, but we all need each other just as much as if we were all children. I would never dream of telling Tiffany she couldn’t talk to her mother. Of course, I wondered yesterday…had I not had Nanny pumping into my ear how children come first (mainly to attack my mother for not putting me first), would I be the way I am about our kids? If I hadn’t lived through all that, would I be like Wayne? Would I want to keep Laurie all to myself, not even sharing her with our own children?
That’s another difference; this one learned from my father. They’re not HER children, they’re OUR children. When you marry someone, you marry the whole family, especially the children of your spouse, if there are any. I KNOW that my girls and our kidlets are gifts from God, and I am not about to turn my back on that kind of gift. That includes a responsibility not to come between mother and daughters, too. That’s what it seems like most stepparents don’t understand. As a stepparent for the past 6 1/2 years, I feel qualified to talk about it. How I wish my girls were my own flesh and blood and I had raised them, too.
Laurie just woke up, so I’ve got to go for now. Will try to update later.