A little breeze blows me out the door

 I wish I could get this bipolar under control.  I’m back on Chantix, because my dumb ass thought it would be a way to teach Laurie a lesson by smoking a cigarette.  This time, one DID hook me back, pretty much instantly, so now I’m stuck with an achy chest and trying to work up the nerve to quit again.

It’s always small, stupid things that set me off.  A little breeze blows me out the door.  I don’t get that.  

People who say it must be nice to stay home and do nothing and get money for it….I’d gladly trade places, if they take the fucking Bipolar Disorder with it.  If I didn’t have to live on the edge, so afraid that maybe nothing at all would SHOVE me over and I’d splat into the ground, over and over and over again, whether manic or depressed….

I think once the Chantix is over, maybe things will be ok…or at least MORE ok.  I’m on Depakote and Lexapro; first time to try that combo, and it seems to be doing pretty well.  Or it DID seem, til Chantix was thrown into the equation.  If I get tired enough of being a monster again, maybe I will quit cold turkey on both the Chantix and the cigarettes.  I’m ruining my fucking body.

Roe vs Wade turns 40 and my grandfather has been dead for twelve years today. That’s a lot more important to me.