9:58pm – Doing well, for once! :)

PROVE IT, HERMY……

This has been a testing night. For starters, let me say that this is Betty. I am not angry, I am not feeling bitter about much, and I am not going to be pointing any fingers in my husband’s body’s direction. Just my own.

Earlier, Jack had lain down for a nap. After a few hours of sleep, we woke up. I’m not sure how long we lay awake before Mikey called. Initially, it was Mikey who talked to Jack. It wound up being Hank and me on the phone.

There is more bad news regarding Elisabeth, the child that Mikey is nanny for. She has to have a cathether put into her circulatory system to bypass an extra "circuit" in her heart, if I have remembered correctly what Mikey said. Jack was hardly awake when Mikey said this, and Jack asked where Laurie was. Work. Well, he should have known….I don’t know why it surprised him, because it seems like all Laurie DOES is work. Jack got depressed, because he immediately jumped the gun and thought that this new development would be "just another reason" for Mikey not to come home. Well, Jack has a habit of becoming silent when he is upset about something. That is in an effort to keep from starting a fight. With Mikey, this technique is a colossal failure, as the silence starts a fight, too.

Hank came out in response to the silence. He snapped that no matter what happened, we got pissed about it, which, I say in my own defense, is NOT true. I freely admit that I have – particularly I, Betty – an anger management problem, though. Anyway, in response to Hank’s assertion that we were pissed, Jack and I BOTH got pissed. We had only fallen into a mild depression in response to the news about Elisabeth, but the assertion fired us up, and I came out and snapped at Hank that I wasn’t pissed until he said that.

I can’t remember the exact details of what happened next, but it wound up with us hanging up on Hank. He called back, as we had decided not to make the first move this time, and Jack, stupid ass that he can be sometimes, fired off, "I want to break up" and hung up on Hank again. Hank called back and said to remove them from the Earthlink and AOL. That sent me into a panic attack, especially when Hank then hung up on us. I was furious with Jack for saying he wanted to break up. He is terrified of Hank, and with us, fear leads directly to resentment. We called Hank back and the screaming continued for a bit. I then THOUGHT Hank hung up on me, so I hung up the phone. I was wrong. He called back and said it was the fourth time I had hung up on him. Well, technically, I did, but I didn’t know I was doing it. I thought he had hung up on me already when I hung up the phone.

Jack told Hank that Hank hates him. Hank denied said charge, but Jack was pretty damned adamant about it. I was afraid to say anything, by this point, so I left the two of them going at it. Then, Hank broke down and cried and said that he’d just "crawl underneath [his] rock and die". At this point,. Jack said he didn’t know what to tell Hank. Well, I knew what to tell him. I came out, with Hank unaware of the switch, and asked him if he could feel my arms wrapping around him. Somewhere in all this, Hank said that I hated him, because he thought it was still Jack. I protested and said that no, I did not hate him. He asked if it was Jack, and I kind of bitterly said, "No! This is your WIFE!!!!"

We managed to calm down, and by the time he had to go pick up Shelly, the bitch Brie is coupled with, things were okay again. I’m very glad they are, because it really terrifies us both to fight like we do. I’m tired of being the Ice Queen, as Jack teasingly calls me. I’m so damned tired of reacting angrily to so many things. Then, to top matters off, there is apparently a presence in the body that hates us all. The one that typed in on the last entry and called me a cunt. I don’t know who it is, but it’s been here for years, periodically surfacing to attempt to help ME destroy the body. I am very afraid of this presence. I don’t know if it has a name or not. I don’t even know who it is. Thelma doesn’t even know who it is, and she, so far, has known EVERYTHING that goes on within the body. That scares me even more.

This THING has been blaming things on me, and I even believed I was responsible for some of it, though I don’t know how I could believe that. I can be nasty and hateful, but this one takes it FAR farther than I ever have or ever would. It’s hatred is not directed only outwardly but inwardly, as well. Thelma promises to be on guard and fight whatever it is for us…..I’m scared it will somehow bypass her. I think it is invisible, if that’s possible. I think, since we’re all creations of the mind of Herman, anyway, that he (I have a strong feeling it’s a "he") indeed IS invisible and can fly past us without us knowing it. Silent, invisible, and DEADLY!!!!! He wants us dead. Me in particular, it seems. Just as I let Jack assume the blame for my actions for so long, he is letting me assume the blame for his. Now, he knows that I am hip to his trick, and that he can’t get by with blaming me for his actions anymore.

I don’t think this is Jack, Sr. we’re dealing with. Daddy was never THAT nasty. He could be mean and cruel, but not in this particular way. He never wanted me DEAD!!!! Jack, Sr. is this body’s own version of Hermann, Sr. He is amazingly similar to Daddy. It seems that this other thing is our own version of Helenger….NANNY!!!!! I have never heard Nanny call anyone a cunt, but she has tried to hurt me before, and I mean physically, as well as mentally. This new thing fills with such hatred at the sight of me in the mirror that he bashes our face into the mirror. My forehead is sore from having my face smashed into a mirror five or six times yesterday. I am scared.

He gets that same look in the eyes that Daddy used to get when he was mad, but I never knew Daddy to be so violent as to smash anyone’s face into a mirror!!!!!

Hank is gone to get Shelly, and I pray he’s okay driving. He seemed much better when we got off the phone a while ago. He also had to stop to get a drink, and then to get his prescription from Walgreen’s. He’s been gone almost an hour and a half, but that doesn’t worry me too much yet. If he’s gone much longer, though, I’ll have to fight off a panic attack. Damn panics….they ruin so many happy times.

Hank, my daring husband, I love you,

Betty

p.s. Mikey, Jack is bugging me to tell you that he loves his key, his Mikey forever times pi cubed plus one. There, happy? LOL