5:10pm – not sure what to call this one

PROVE IT, HERMY……

I feel lost and confused right now.  I don’t know who I truly am.  I mean, I know I’m Herman Fredrick.  I know that just fine.  I also know I’m a gay man who is fine and dandy with his gay status.  What I DON’T know is what the “real me” is like.

I thought I had more than one person inside me, but if I do, it’s underdeveloped to the point that all of us know each other.  Chances are, I don’t.  I’m always wrong about everything, so why would this be any exception?

I made a point with Hank.  I wasn’t wrong about one thing, at least.  I told him that we choose our family.  Yes, we have blood ties, most of us, but we choose with whom we relate because we’re comfortable with them.  Sometimes, they’re blood….sometimes, they’re not.

Charlie came out to have Christmas dinner with Tiffany, her kids, Chrissy, and Manny.  I’m glad he’s out, because that pretty much ensures that things will be ok for them.

I went to a depression chat room earlier, but it was no help.  I got called a retard, and then one person who seemed interested in helping me told me I was depressed because I am gay and my body wants a child.

WRONG ANSWER, FUCKWAD!!!!!!

What I’m upset about is that I don’t feel like I am sane.  I feel like these past months of entries, while honest, have been insane.  Am I one person or many?  Am I even here in the head at all?  Have I finally crossed over that line and gone irrevocably insane?

I called Mama’s house and got MH on the phone.  I told my sister I’m not coming to the gathering at our Aunt Trisha’s and Uncle Roy’s house.  That seems to have triggered this.

She probably assumed that I wasn’t coming because I wanted to talk with Mikey.  That’s partially correct, but there’s more to it.  I don’t feel like I could take the crowd, for more than one reason.  Too noisy, for one.  Too much activity, and I panic easily in a commotion.  Then, if I saw my cousin Gene, I’d break down into tears, because I am grieving pretty hard for him on the inside, and I couldn’t keep it inside then.  Then everybody would think something was wrong with me, and it would only ruin whatever fun they might be having.  What’s the point in going?!!!!

Sound logical to me, but my logic is not logical sometimes.  Does that make ANY sense?

I love Peter, as a whole.

I miss Peter, as a whole.

I can’t wait for that beautiful husband of mine to make it home.

Hermy……that’s me, I guess.  Sure doesn’t feel like it right now.

I do love you, baby.  That much is true no matter who or what I may be at any time.

I love you forever times PI cubed plus one,

Your HermyJack