2/21/06

"Fuck you – I won’t even let them know anything about you.  That way you won’t ever dare to think you are that important in this scheme of things."

I keep hearing this in my head over and over again.  I won’t dare to think that I am that important in this scheme of things.  I won’t dare to think I’m that important.

I don’t dare to think I am important, anymore.  Last night, Mama mentioned that in her replies to me, MH cussed, name-called, ranted, and raved, but in the ones directed right at my wife, she didn’t even cuss once.  Mikey volunteered that that was because he didn’t cuss and name-call to MH.

I didn’t either.  I won’t dare to think that I am that important in this scheme of things.

Last night, also, we went to the store for Mama.  While there, Louis was out, because driving and riding in a car at night scare him out.  He went out to wait for Mikey in the car, and he had on a song.  He was singing with it when Mikey got into the car.  Mikey started talking during the song.  He always does.

Louis got VERY angry, which is becoming a habit, it seems, for Louis.  He feels, as do I, that our dreams are dead now.  Every time we try to sing or play music, our spouse talks.  He has known since he has known me that this affects us the way it does….it stops up and takes away all the joy from singing and listening to music.  IT IS A FUCKING INSULT!!!!!  IT’S SAYING THAT MY LOVE OF MUSIC IS A WASTE OF GODDAMNED TIME!!!!  MY LIFE IS A GODDAMNED WASTE OF TIME, ISN’T IT?!!!!  GO AHEAD AND TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH, YOU COWARD PUNK!

YOU DON’T WANT ME TO HAVE ANY DREAMS LEFT, GODDAMN YOU.  WHAT DID I DO TO YOU TO HAVE YOU HURT ME SO FUCKING MUCH?  WHY DO YOU KILL MY DREAMS ONE AFTER ANOTHER?

I WILL NOT DARE TO THINK THAT I AM THAT IMPORTANT IN THIS SCHEME OF THINGS.

I’M SURE MARY HELEN, BITCH GODDESS, APPRECIATES HAVING THE SUPPORT EVEN OF THE ENEMY.