1:04am – Where my heart is

PROVE IT, HERMY……

I would like to tell what happened tonight.  Let me start by saying that today was another really good day for My Mikey and me, for the most part.

Tonight, however, one of my idiosyncratic oddities got the best of me….or should I say the WORST of us?!

I was singing to My Mikey, and I heard him doing something else on the computer.  I have this thing  inside me that feels somehow violated when I am opening up in song and the one(s) I sing to seem occupied in other ways.  I have always been deeply insecure about my voice, except, oddly enough, when I am the only one listening to it.  I have been insulted, and I mean blatantly insulted, many times about my voice, which was the only thing about myself that I ever had any pride in about me, so I guess years of that has made me prickly…much too much.

I stopped the music, and I retreated into silence.  Betty came out, but Mikey didn’t seem to catch the switch, and neither of us pointed it out to him.  He will only know as he reads this entry.  That is, unless he WAS aware and didn’t mention it.   He noticed our silence pretty quickly.  That is one thing I would like to change about myself….the way I clam up when I am upset about something.

 Mikey asked what he had done wrong “this time”.  I have to commend Betty, for once.  This time, she remained calm, to start with.  She told him it was nothing big and not to worry.  She should have known that would not work with My Mikey.  He wanted to know what was wrong.  That’s a tricky situation, as I don’t ever want to make him feel bad about things that he really did not do to me.  Betty told him she didn’t want to beat a dead horse.  She told him we’d been through this before.  Well, that was the WRONG thing to say.  My Mikey apparently thought he had committed some atrocity, and we began feeling very stupid for making such a mountain out of what SHOULD have remained a molehill.

Betty’s heart ached.  My heart ached.  My Mikey’s heart ached.  At one point, Betty told Mikey that she felt bad enough about things, and asked him not to make us fall apart, just to accept that it was truly no big deal.  Well, My Mikey is just as stubborn as we are.  He didn’t understand what he had done.  Truthfully, he had not really done anything at all, and by this time, Betty’s bravado was fading quickly.  She started to cry.  Mikey kept assuring us that he loves us, which we knew.  Betty felt like a tremendous bitch, and I hardly felt better.  All this because of things that MY MIKEY never had a part in to begin with!!!!!

She broke.

Lewis came out and balled up.  He sat, holding the phone, head ducked, tears streaming.  Mikey kept repeating that he loves me over and over, but Lewis couldn’t form any words at first. Then, I came out to assure my beautiful husband that I love him.  I made a big mistake, though.  I told him, “I love you.  It’s just never enough.”

Well, I had MEANT that MY love was never enough.  He didn’t take it that way, and I can’t say that I blame him, as our behavior was very cryptic.  With tears choking his lovely voice, he asked if he wasn’t enough for me.  Betty came flying back out, and she was so full of grief, at this point.  It seemed we had stabbed My Mikey in the heart, and here we were, inadvertantly twisting the blade in him.  She choked out what was meant to be an apology and then hung up the phone. 

The reason she hung up was because she was afraid that she, I, or anyone within us would fuck things up worse and find My Mikey in a grave somewhere.  About a minute passed, and I became very scared.  I was afraid Mikey was either gathering ice (to numb his wrists and then slash them) or heading for his medica tions.  Just as a bitter sob escaped, the phone rang.

We made ammends.  I realized one big mistake I have been making.  I have been giving My Mikey MOST of myself.  I have been holding back from falling into his arms, so to speak, for fear that he didn’t want me there.  Tonight, I flung myself  into his arms.  I cast aside any and all reservations and let the love of my life hold me, caress me, comfort me.  Of course, I apologized for my bad actions, and I assured him that his love is ALWAYS enough.  He asked if he was good enough for me.  I told him he is WAY more than that.  He is the most loving, caring, considerate, kind, compassionate and passionate man I have known in my life.  It is NEVER EVER a question of “Does he measure up for me?”  It is always “Do I measure up for him?” or “Am I letting him down?”

The answers, respectively, are yes and no.  I DO measure up, and I am not letting him down.  This man loves me with all his heart.  Everything about him says it.  His happiness at talking to me is the sweetest thing I’ve known.  His sleepy, oh-so-pretty voice telling me how he loves me before he lies down for sleep is the greatest feeling to experience.  His desire to please me, always keep me happy, are touching, flattering, and undeserved.  Little does he know that merely by existing, he keeps me the happiest man alive.   By granting me his love, he keeps me happy and happy to be alive.  Only when I am with him do I truly feel alive.

Oh, my sweet, beautiful, wonderful Mikey Baby, please know….

Please always know how I treasure you and cherish our bond.  Please always know that you are the most special person I have ever known.  Please always know that where my heart is is wherever you are.

I love you  forever times pi cubed plus one,

Your Jack

And I’m DAMN PROUD to be YOURS!!!!!!