10 things…..*updated*

10 things I would not say to someone directly? This may be tough. 1. As one of my oldest friends, it breaks my heart that I cannot be around you more. I have told you this before, so it may not count as not saying it directly, but….Your treatment of people you love baffles me. I know what your ignoramus step-father did to you when you were younger. I know the abusive relationships you have been part of. I know your mother never stands her ground in your favor. I also know you had a grandmother who loved you unconditionally and taught you…or would have taught you…how to love unconditionally. I know you hate yourself. I know you, frontwards and backwards. I also know that you always have a piece of my heart, and I am here if you need me. I cannot be around you on any kind of regular basis, because your sons, who are very special to me, are paying a heavy price for your past. As much as I love you, you are a destroyer, and I cannot abide with a destroyer in my day-to-day life. 2. You were always my heroine. Since I was a child, maybe since birth, I have idolized you and wanted to be like you. Sometimes, however, there is a part of me (named Oscar and partially Piers) who resents you. The years I had to endure his put-downs, physical agression, and bad temperment still eat away at my soul sometimes. It is you I hold responsible for NOT stepping in and placing me in a better situation, somehow. Intervening, begging, force, something! Yet you let it happen, when I was too young and unable to defend myself. I still need you. I still love you. I still idolize you, in most ways. This piece of my soul torments me, though. Just remember how much you mean to me, please. Please. 3. When I was a child, you were as most of your generation tended to be…doting, kind, considerate….you didn’t even cuss in front of us!!! Then, after he died, you changed. I went from being an angel to being the devil no, not even the devil….the devil’s SHIT! She was a "whore", he was "perfect". You, my protector against him, deny what he did. You blame her instead, and you are WRONG!!!!! She let it happen, but she never DID IT!!!!!! Get your facts straight!!!!! You are one of the most difficult-to-love people I have ever encountered, and sometimes I wish I could hate your guts. I want to hate you so badly sometimes. I want to hurt you. I have even wanted you dead!!!!! What did I do to you to make you hate me so? I was your angel, remember? I never did anything. I didn’t kill him!!!!! It’s not my fault I was born who I am….the children of them. It’s not my fault….ANY OF IT! Get off your immoral high horse and stop being a hypocrite. You POSED as her best friend for nearly 20 years, and now you act as if she is the least moral, most horrid person alive. She is my heroine, so you need to LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!! You are snotty and rude to my wife, and that makes me want to say bad things about YOUR spouse, who was so good to me, and that hurts my heart so badly. He doesn’t deserve some of the things that go through my head to be said, so I keep quiet. If I die from this strain someday, I hope you make your peace with God, because if not, you will burn in Hell, woman! 4. You have a beautiful heart underneath your sometimes hateful exterior. I know you inside-out, though I forget that from time to time. We grew up side by side, and we have a bond that will never be broken. I worry that your overbearing attitudes will somehow destroy your childrens’ lives someday. I worry about you and them a lot. Your husband confuses me terribly, and I wish he would committ to the cause or leave!!!!! Maybe you don’t know how I feel. I don’t know if you do, and I can’t blame you if you don’t. I love you. You are the only person in my life who fills the role you have, and I would have a very hard time NOT having you in my life. Please don’t ever force me to withdraw.
5. You are a fiercely independent young woman.  This may serve you well later in life, but now is not yet the time for it.  When you combat your mother at every turn, my resentment of you builds a little more each time.  I do not want to dislike you, but there is a part of me that does.  You are an exception to every rule there is in my life.  No matter how much we may disagree, how much I feel I dislike you at any moment, or how much you may not like me, you ALWAYS have a home here.  I love you, and nothing will change that.  Nothing at all…EVER.
That’s all I can do for now.