04/11/2009

This is about dementia and its effects on people.  Everyone and their dogs keep telling me "don’t take it personally" or that I have to "depersonalize" my interactions with Nanny.  Well, Lord, tell me HOW TO, then!

I don’t know how NOT to take personally someone who has made my life a living hell for twenty years, almost, just because she’s out of her blessed mind now.  All of a sudden, that twenty years is supposed to just fade away!  I don’t know how to do that, sorry!  I’m too selfish, immature, or something to let it all fade away just like a snap.

So what am I supposed to do?  Depersonlize?  How does one do that, exactly?  Just keep thinking that it’s not about the real me or the real wife-of-mine, and it’s not my "real" grandmother doing all the nasty bullshit talking?!!!  Well, it’s enough my "real" grandmother.  She’s talking just like she used to, except that now she makes up a lot of it.  It’s bullshit that I should have to sit and take it and keep my mouth shut.  WHO is going to take care of ME when I have ulcers out the ass and need caring for myself?  Any of the people who urge me to just "deal with Nanny"?!!!!  I sincerely doubt it.  I can take care of myself, they think.  Well, I WILL, then, damn them!

Pissing and moaning is doing no good, but I’m venting and that  is A-okay, because THIS IS MY SPACE TO PISS AND MOAN!

Mama asked me earlier if it were Memaw talking about us like Nanny does, would I be so ugly about it?  I said maybe.  She doesn’t think I would.  Well, ding dong, mother dear, that’s a clue!  Memaw didn’t make my life hell for so long and THEN EXPECT me to take care of her!!!!!  I have to take care of my primary abuser, and I HATE IT!  I don’t do it out of love.  I do it out of DUTY, because she’s my grandmother.  I do it out of obligation.  I do it to keep myself from feeling guilty, but  I don’t do it out of love.  I DO love her, though God only knows why I should.  Why should I love someone who only loves herself and money?  Why should I love someone who tore me down in any way possible just to suit her nasty-ass whims?  Why should I love someone who helped me turn against my own mother when I was a teenager, and FOR NO REASON!!!!  Why should I love that bitch?  

I don’t know IF I should, much less know why.  I just know that for some stupid reason, I DO love that bitch.  I don’t  like her a damn bit, most of the time, but I love her.

And that’s why I HAVE TO find a way to cope with her.  Why I HAVE TO "not take it personally".  Why I HAVE TO depersonalize it all. 

Fuck me.

Betty Louise

For anyone interested, I haven’t smoked in :

Two weeks, five days, 5 hours, 30 minutes and 9 seconds. 575 cigarettes not smoked, saving $93.25. Life saved: 1 day, 23 hours, 55 minutes.