Waiting

I was 8 weeks Saturday. We went in Monday for our first big appointment and ultrasound. After asking a bunch of questions and examining me, she started the internal ultrasound. Almost immediately, she said “you’re earlier than you thought.” My heart sank, I wanted to be at a safer place, not earlier than 8 weeks! She said the baby was measuring 6w1d and when she said that, I knew. There was no heartbeat and it had stopped growing. She wasn’t so convinced and kept asking me if I was sure about my dates. I’m 100% sure. She said that if I am sure, she was very concerned about it being a healthy pregnancy. She wants to do another ultrasound in a week and if there is no growth, move forward with medication or a D&C to remove the tissue.

Wednesday I was bleeding and called her office and they squeezed me in with another doctor. He examined me and said my cervix was still hard and closed despite the bleeding.  He then did an ultrasound and confirmed that there was no change, albeit only two days later. He was a little more forthright and said that if I am sure about my dates, this pregnancy is not happening. He said that it was absolutely nothing I did and that “at least you know the plumbing works.”
We are extremely disappointed. No bleeding and finding out through an ultrasound seems like a unique kind of cruelty. I had no morning sickness at all, but I continued with the mild cramping the whole time, I was tried and had less energy, and my breasts were super tender and growing. I felt like everything was fine. I wasn’t even worried; I had such a peace about it. I was totally Zen, and that is SO not like me. Of course I knew this could happen, but I just really, really didn’t think it would. I feel like I can’t trust me instinct at all.
Miscarriage is usually the result of chromosomal abnormality, this baby just wasn’t meant to be and we respect that and will try again. In fact, if there was something wrong with this baby, a miscarriage this early seems merciful. But that doesn’t take away my or my family’s pain after of month of excitement and joy.
All the waiting is the hardest part. I’m just really sick of waiting to have a baby and at this point it will be about a year from now if we’re really lucky and get pregnant in a couple months. I waited to find the perfect guy, waited to let our relationship build and strengthen with time, waited to get married, waited to buy a house big enough for children and visiting family, waited to get to this point in my career. I waited until I was as perfectly ready as I could be to have the child I have desperately wanted for years. Then it takes six months to get pregnant and now this.
I get that this is very common. And I am encouraged that we are able to get pregnant. I know many people (here on OD included!) who miscarry and then go on to have healthy wonderful pregnancies relatively quickly. It just totally fucking sucks.
We’ll be alright.