*TTC

Can someone please explain to me why I got pregnant six months after starting to try the first time, miscarried, and now I’m on my tenth cycle of trying with absolutely no luck? Can someone please explain that to me?!?!

There is also a lot of good stuff going on, in fact, everything else is great. But I am really getting so sad about not getting pregnant. And this entry is going to be all about that. Maybe writing about it will be somewhat therapeutic.
In September my OBGYN told us to come back in in November if we still weren’t pregnant and that we would start doing tests and talking about options. So we did and I’ve already done all the blood work. I still need to do the test for my tubes, but I’ve done all the others. P also needs to do a semen analysis. All of my tests came back perfectly normal. It’s amazing that they can determine egg reserve and quality just by taking blood. Obviously I’m happy my ovaries are working well and my eggs look good, but it kind of would have been nice if there was a problem with say my thyroid and a little adjustment with medication would have easily fixed our problem. It was empowering to get the ball rolling and starts some tests, but we also found out how expensive IVF is, if it gets to that. Did you know IVF is like $10-15K per round? My insurance only covers a lifetime max of $25K. With a 30-40% success rate, it’s likely that we would need more than one round. Obviously, I’m really getting ahead of myself here, but that was just disappointing to find out. Thankfully we do really well financially, but how much would we be willing to spend after the insurance maxes out? Can you imagine paying some seriously massive amount of money then dealing with not only the heartache of it not working, but also essentially wasting that money?
I know I should probably just sit back and worry about crossing that bridge when and if we come to it, but damn. It really helps my anxiety to know that one way or another we WILL have a baby. Things like that just bring to my attention that no, we might not.
P and I had a very disappointing talk after the miscarriage. I don’t know if I already wrote about it here or not.  Of course before we got married we talked about how we both wanted to have kids, two specifically, three maybe. But we never talked about adoption. After the miscarriage I brought up the idea of adoption as an opinion for a second child or if we just ended up not being able to have our own. P is staunchly against it. I never knew that. He absolutely will not adopt. That probably makes him sound a little shitty, but I assure you he is not. He is honest and that’s how he feels and he is entitled to that. Ultimately, it boils down to things about his own childhood and his dad leaving.
Finding out that he won’t adopt was really really disappointing to hear. I actually really like the idea of having one biological child and then adopting one or even two. And if we aren’t able to have our own baby, I would certainly be into adoption. Not being a mother is just not an option to me. That is a personal choice. I get that that is fine for some other women, but not for me. That is something I want out of life. I know that P really wants to be a dad too, and he would make a great one, but if it boils down to it, he is fine with us not having any children. That’s a problem. A scary problem. I love my P more than I can say, and I took a vow and I would never leave him, but man there would be such an enormous hole in my heart for the rest of my life if we didn’t have a child.
I just feel sad and unsure, and I just want this so so so bad.
If all of our testing turns out fine, we will start Chlomid in February. February will be one year since the miscarriage and my OBGYN won’t prescribe it before then.
God/Universe/Nature/Fate/Luck, if you are listening, will you please send us a baby?