TGIF

So strangely this week has actually gone by rather fast. I’ve used my extremely slow week at work to just tend to some internet errands (bills, gifts, etc.) and read diaries.

Open Diary has been a huge part of my life for about 7-8 years now. I love it. We all know I’m not a frequent writer or a great noter, but I love, love, love this place. Anyway, about once or twice a year I’ll find a diarist on the front page that just totally intrigues me and I’ll go into a several day period (depending on its length) of reading their entire diary. I love when this happens and I’m reading one right now. It’s funny, because at the end of it I feel like I really know that person and whether positive or negative usually have pretty strong feelings about the person. True to my regular form, I very rarely let them know that I just read their whole diary and I just quietly add them to my friends/bookmarks and I’m on my way. Seems weird, like I should at least say something! Maybe I will with this one.
This has also been a strange week emotionally. Like many women, I struggle with anxiety. I’ve been fortunate in my 31 years to never deal with depression beyond maybe a little situational sadness. I’m very grateful for that, but sometimes my anxiety can be pretty… I don’t want to say paralyzing, because that’s too strong…but I’m just drawn to that as a description. I’ve talked about it before here and I can usually manage it fairly well with three months or so of medication, then I’m fine for a while, then it creeps back in. It’s not particularly bad right now and I’m not taking any medication and probably wouldn’t even if I needed to because we are TTC. Tuesday night in bed P and I got into a discussion about what we would do in a sort of Armageddon situation, you know like a nuclear holocaust, or complete loss of power for an extended time, anarchy, just basically anything that would result in a loss of the safety, convenience, and organization of society as we know it. And the conversation like really really scared me. I laid there for hours just crippled with fear and thinking of all the worst case scenarios. Eventually I took a Xanax and fell asleep, but I’m still thinking about it and just generally feeling really scared about it. Realistically, I know it’s a little silly. It’s not only unlikely, but just not something I have any control over at all. It’s just the kind of thing that is basically a big waste to think about, but my anxiety is making not thinking about it nearly impossible.
I actually have a lot more to say about this, but I’m going to move on in an effort to sort of push these thoughts out of my head. I need to work on more natural ways to control and manage my anxiety. Like really committing to yoga and maybe looking into something natural to take like St. John’s Wart. Anyone have any experience with that?
The other thing absolutely consuming my thoughts is the whole trying to conceive thing. And sadly, that process is wrapped up pretty firmly with my anxiety as well.
My period is, thankfully, very regular. Since I’ve been off the pill it has come every 29 days like clockwork, I could basically set my watch to it. Well last month introduced a whole new level of mind fuck. I woke up the day I was supposed to get it with a fever of 101 degrees and sick with the flu. So my bbt obviously couldn’t give me any indication of if I could expect my period and then I never got it that day. It’s the first time in this whole process that I have been late. So obviously I got a little excited. I’ve already vowed not to take a test until I’m three days late because for me, seeing a negative pregnancy test is more disappointing than getting my period. I also just think it’s a waste of a test otherwise, but to each their own. Thankfully I was too sick to really get super excited or hopeful and when my period showed up the next day, I was still too wrapped up in sickness to really care. So aside from getting a bit excited about being late, I actually handled this months’ disappointment the best so far. Weird.
We are going into month five of trying and I should be ovulating here in a couple days. A positive pregnancy test is my very dearest Christmas wish. The anxiety really comes in not only when I think about how long term infertility could affect my marriage, but also my fears of becoming a really jealous person, something that I am not. When I think realistically about it, I know it’s still early enough and I think it’s sad that I’m not just enjoying this solo time with my husband who I love so dearly and have so much fun with. Furthermore, I’ve already looked into it and my insurance will not only cover all the testing, but any procedures such as IUI or IVF. P and I would also have no problem paying for one or more adoptions. So see, it’s like my bases are covered. Why am I OBSESSING about this?
I’m wearing a really cute outfit, it’s Friday, and it’s time for lunch!