So long 2012

Some big and very exciting things happened for me this year. I bought a house, got married, and got promoted. But generally I think this year has been mared by a lot of pain and heartache. From natural disasters, to the political and economic climate to unspeakable violence. Overall I’d say I’m a pretty positive person and I don’t really have to try that hard to see the beauty and love in the world. But like many people the shooting at Sandy Hook shook me. It just seemed to be the final nail in the 2012 has sucked coffin. Things like that make me wonder why I am so desperate to bring other life into this world.

But I’m grateful for life and I enjoy it and treasure it. So I guess that’s my answer. But sometimes all the injustice and how fleeting it can be is just too much to bear. I often wonder what’s worse, dwelling on all the horror or turning your head and "staying positive".  I think a big part of my anxiety is almost too much compassion. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly no martyer, I do very little to help other people. Sometimes I just feels like I’m almost crippled by other people’s pain. This is difficult to even explain.

I started attending church again in my neverending quest for answers. Someday I’d like to simply ask "why?"

It’s interesting, as our TTC jouney continues, I feel more peace than fear or pain. I’m not sure why, but I feel a sort of contented trust that God’s/the universe’s/nature’s (?) path for us to become parents will be just as it is supposed to be. Who knows how I will feel a month or six or a year from now.

I love P deeply, but I can certainly see why anyone who has ever been married for any real length of time says that there are up and downs and it takes work. Hopefully with time we forge something sweet and mostly easy. All that is wrong in the world makes it even clearer how important it is that I treasure our love and treat him kindly always, and forgive him easily.

This year was a difficult one for my relationships with some of the other important people in my life.

In February I responded badly to Anna’s news that she was pregnant again. I could write many entries on this alone, there is such a rich and complicated past concerning her. I love her very much and my response ultimately resulted in the dissolution of our friendship as it was. That has been deeply, deeply painful for me as I’m sure it has been for her. I think it could be very therapeudic for me to write a lot more about this in a friends only entry and that’s just what I’m going to do.

My relationship with my mother, whom I love so fiercely, has also had some very difficult moments. She has some nearly lifelong issues with insecurity she is seeking treatment for and I absolutely must respond to her in a better way. I love my mama so and I need to make damn sure she always knows that.

How about some positive stuff? Christmas was nice. P and I spent it in Peoria with his mom and it was mostly relaxing. I feel like I sort of struck out with P’s gifts this year, but his birthday will be here before we know it and hopefully I can redeem myself. He got me some Beats by Dre white headphones and a bunch of nice clothes. My mom gave me tons of great jewelry.

It’s just about weekend time! I intend to relax, attend a least one yoga class, go to church, and just generally get things in order around the house.