11/12/2012

I just bought a one-year OD plus membership. I’ve mostly ignored all the chatter about OD being on the outs, but if the number of NoJoMoers this year are any indication, there may be some truth to it. I figured I would throw a little revenue the site’s way. I would seriously be absolutely devastated if anything happened to OD.

The biggest bit of news since I last updated is that I was promoted! I’m now a director. The jump form an associate to a director is a big one in my company and I got a sizable raise. And I get an office! I know this might not sound like much, but in my industry it’s a big deal. I work for a big global financial services firm and the floor plan is open like a trading floor with just a handful of offices around the perimeter. I’ve worked pretty hard and it feels good.
Sadly, I’m still not pregnant. I go back and forth being really scared, worried, sad and feeling like it will happen soon enough. I added basal body temperature charting this month to the mix. According to the charts and my ovulation predictor kit, I seem to be ovulating pretty normally. This cycle was a rough one and I was putting so much crazy pressure on P that we ended up with only one real shot at it. So the chances of it happening this month are pretty slim. I will find out a week from today. It really sucks because I’ve gotten my hopes up in prior cycles and now mentally reprimand myself for even hoping.
I guess my biggest fear is having to go through all this fear and disappointment for a long time with increasing intensity. P and I have what I consider to be a strong and solid relationship, but I’m afraid of what long-term infertility could do to my marriage.
I know there are many options, medication, treatments, and procedures. That brings me some solace. I also think adoption is a great option and one I would certainly consider down the line whether or not we’re successful at having a child naturally or not. I just want to experience pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and ultimately having a child with my and my husband’s DNA. I think that is a natural desire and I don’t think there is anything wrong with it.
I know we’re only on our fourth month, which is really pretty early. It’s weird, because I was so afraid of infertility way before we even started trying but I honestly had it in my head that it would happen right away. In some ways I planned the date of my wedding around it. I knew that I didn’t want to be showing before promotion time, because let’s face it, I work for mostly men and it’s very likely that I wouldn’t be promoted if I was pregnant. Sad, but it’s the truth. I also wanted the first trimester to be around the holidays because it’s slow at work this time of year. If I ended up with a tough first trimester I didn’t want it to be during a busy stressful time at work. I was also hoping to share the news with family in person. Telling my parents is one of the things I look forward to the most. They will be so happy. Also, my good friend Kathryn is getting married over Labor Day weekend next year and I’m in the wedding. I was really hoping to have already given birth. Serves me right for thinking I could perfectly plan something natural.
Meanwhile, I leave Thursday night for a friend’s wedding in New York. The wedding is in Chinatown and I’m looking forward to it.
I hope to be back soon with something fun like a picture tour of my house or at least a picture entry of recent happenings.