Sliver

 I was expecting the worst today. I usually do. I mean, it is Christmas. Nothing ever goes right. But it wasn’t bad this year. Could have been worse, could have been better. I actually woke up early to see my mom unwrap her gifts; then my own. Then he wandered in, and the first things out of his mouth were "guess who died?" Then I thanked him for the gifts. Then my mother pulled over his gifts into a pile on the table and told him where they were. He waved them away, "not now." Then he began ranting about my uncle, who came to the house earlier, about 7. 

And there we go. Death and sadness, in two minutes. I went back to my room, not wanting to cry, and I slept again. I didn’t get up til about two. Then everything was fine. He had opened them, it seems. He hasn’t said anything about them or anything. I don’t know. I spent the rest of the day in my room. 

I hate Christmas. I hate the idea that we feel the need and the anxiety to give people things. I feel really materialistic. I try not to ask for things. But I have too much shit. It’s just stuff I’ve collected. I hate that I have to participate in Christmas. I feel it forced onto me, and there’s no way to escape it. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand knowing that my family is always going to be in a shit mood because of the holiday. I hate seeing other people’s pictures of family gatherings on facebook. I hate being apart of the consumerist machine this time of the year. I hate being treated like shit by strangers. I hate listening to this mix of depressing and overly cheery music. I hate people telling me "God bless you". I hate saying the words "Merry Christmas". I hate waking up in the morning with the anxiety of "are things going to be okay today?"

I’m glad it’s almost over. 

It’s something off of my mind. But I’m still quite anxious. I’m still kind of stressed. I sent this letter last Thursday. I don’t know if it has reached its recipient or not. I don’t know what the answer will be. I hope it’s good. I hope I can hold on to these good feelings. I hope I can still have something awesome on my mind. I’ve really gotten my hopes up. If it doesn’t work out, I will probably crash, and I’ll hate myself for even trying and for getting my hopes up when I knew I shouldn’t have.

I also have work at 6 in the morning. I hate Christmas.