Mea Culpa

 I keep having nightmares. Bad dreams. I keep losing people in my dreams. Mainly the guy I used to see. He’s back in them. I thought I stopped dreaming about him. I had one last night where I was working, and he came in and bought something, and he gave me the cash, but he rested it in my hand, touching my fingers, not wanting to let go. Then he did, and he left–lamentably. I watched him disappear. There’s been others. There was one where he was on a raft in a pool, and he fell in and sank. I dived in to get him, but he was gone. When I came up, H was standing on the side. She looked angry. Her hands her akimbo. She finally spoke. "You deserve being alone."  I’ve also had dreams just about H. One where I was with her, and we were about to kiss, and she sank into the ground like quicksand. I tried to pull her out, but she went under.

I feel alone, disconnected. Everything irritates the fuck out of me right now. I feel like my interactions around the few people I do see have been waning. I haven’t been the best person to be around, and I can see why my friend list is quite short. I seem to burn more bridges than I can make, and this isn’t good since I don’t really have a place to crash in Tampa when school starts. I’m scrounging to see who will let me crash with them for compensation.

I’ve been trying to get rid of urges all week. Eight months. I can’t fuck it up now. I don’t know how much longer I can last.

I’m trying. I am. I’m trying to wake up and not feel the way I do, but it’s not working. I keep waking up, after these bad fucking dreams, and I wonder why I’m even awake. I wonder why I’m sleeping. It’s a mind-fuck. I just can’t figure out why he means a lot to me. I don’t understand it. I don’t get why it won’t go away. I keep trying to get with other people, but it’s not working. It doesn’t help that I’m "creepy looking" as my friend told me last week. 

The loneliness will cease some time, I know. I don’t know if the disenchantment will. I don’t know if I’ll be able to look around where I am, either at home or in Tampa, and tell myself that I truly belong here. That the sordidness will fade, and I’ll find myself content with the fact that I’ll feel alone anywhere I go.