Lucky Thirteen

 I’m really anxious right now. I’ve been that way for the past few days. It’s kind of like that anxiety you get when you’re in high school, and it’s Sunday, and you don’t know what’s due the next day, so you worry until then. Then you find out there was nothing due. Yeah. It’s sort of like that. I feel like there’s so much due, but school hasn’t even started. I’m moving into my dorm tomorrow. That’s a huge chunk of it. My father’s taking me down too, which is a nightmare in my head. I have to tell him where to go. Ugh. He doesn’t have a lot of patience for shit like this. He’s been in a shit mood for most of the week. Fuck, since Christmas. He’s been yelling and blurting shit out. He finally talked to me on Wednesday, so I could help him get supplies for his shed he’s building. He asked my why I wasn’t talking to him and if I was pissed about something. No, I just wasn’t talking because you were busy yelling.

Then he lectured me on what I want to do after school. I should know what I want to be. But I don’t. 

"You need to start asking yourself questions. When I was your age, I knew what I wanted to be, and I did it. I never lost track of that. You need to go out there and do it. Take the full time job at Ross or something. It’s better than nothing."

I suppose I ask myself the wrong questions, like, "Why am I alive?"

My boss is pushing me to go full time too. She wants me to get into corporate. I know it’s an easy way in, but I don’t want to do it. People keep telling me to do things I don’t want to do. But I’m afraid if I don’t take it, I won’t be able to do anything. 

The freedom away from home will be nice though. Then only things I’ll have to deal with are sharing a bathroom with seven other guys and my own inhibitions and lack of self-control. Like actually getting up in the morning to go to class. Or other things. I keep wanting to pack first-aid stuff, but I don’t want to as well. If I have first-aid, then it’d be easier for me to slip back into harming myself. It’s a lot harder when I have to make the trek to get the supplies. I don’t know. I also hope my roommate isn’t a complete asshole this time around. But the freedom will be nice. Yes. I’m going to do things I’ve never done before this semester. Start off small and shit. I bought a bunch of temporary purple hair dye. I’m going to see what that’s like. Hah.

I took some NyQuil, and now I’m sleepy. I want tomorrow to be over and done with. I know it will be fast enough. I just need to endure at least two hours with my father and getting the key and moving the stuff in. Then it’s done. Maybe then I can get good things to start to happen. I’m going to own 2013. It will be my bitch. Thirteen is my "lucky" number anyway. It’s also my locker at work. Good things must happen. Hopefully.

I heard it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.