Day 2: thoughts on if i’d like a life partner, and today’s can you relate question

I’m asexual, but i’m sure i’m not aromantic.  I’ve also always thought of myself as heterosexual (and then heteroromantic), but then i’m really not sure.
I’ve had several long term relationships with males, however i would always get bored in the end.  My last partner I actually lived with for several year and by the end had conviced myself that if he asked me to marry him i’d say yes.    He really is a genuinely good person.  It just wasn’t right.  We were different.  I was getting up every day and going to the gym working out, sometimes a double class, and then i’d come home early to mid afternoon and if he was out of bed he’d be on the couch watching tv.  I’d go to bed at what i consider a reasonable time (10 or 11) and he’d stay up hours watching tv.  Overall we just weren’t a good match.  (also at this point i hadn’t figured out i was ace nor autistic).

Moving into my own place, i’m not sure i could ever go back to living with someone.  I love having the bed to myself, i love that things are exactly where i put them, i love having my own space and seting it up to work for me.  The idea of having someone in my space again?  i dunno.

Yet I also love the idea of having a partner, someone to cuddle with, to spend time with, we would support each other, I’d help where they struggle and they can help me where i struggle.  However this partner is genderless, I don’t feel that they must be male, so does that make me pan romantic?  maybe… pan demi romantic?  Still working that out.

Some thoughts i’ve had about my future…  once i designed a dream houseish thing where money and space were no objective.  we each had our own suite of rooms, so i had a bedroom, a sensory/play room and then just a little almost sitting room, they had their personal space too.  I decided the laundry machine would be upstairs because it was easier.  oh and my room/space had a balcony of course. and own bathrooms  And then downstairs was more space, a living/family room where we would spend time together or have friends over, a gym where there was space for all the different workouts i like to do and where they could join me also, because this person would be at least somewhat active.  We would also have small rooms for our offices b/c this is covid after all and work from home is the thing…  mine would be kind of an enclosed porch where i could be in the sun.  oh and i guess we’d have bathrooms, kitchen, eating space, hall etc…  Outside would be spacious.  space for a bbq and adult entertaining kind of yard, but also a nice big trampoline for me to jump on, swings and hammock… stuff that I love.

So in this imagination, yes I had a partner, and we interacted, but i had my own space too.  we could have “sleepovers” but mostly we’d sleep in our own rooms in our own beds.

Another time I was thinking this idea life with an atypical family.  I have someone I consider “my person”.  I’ll talk about him another time, we have a long complicated history.  So in this option, he settled down, had a family, and I lived very close, like a block or less away, maybe even next door.  I’m on my own, have my space etc.  They have a family, children of an unknown quantity… and I’d be really close with them, like almost a second mother or aunt or whatever.  like i would never replace the real mother, but be an extra parental figure in the child’s life kind of thing.  That would be amazing as I love kids but dont want my own (another topic for another day).

Then why this is fresh on my mind… 3rd thing i was thinking one night was my life partner and I have bunkbeds.  a little closer but still my own space.  but bunkbeds are probably a little small for fully grown adults.

Basically I don’t know what my future holds, but it won’t be a typical family setup.

As for today’s “do you” question.. when i’m laying in bed at night, my ear that is on the pillow often i hear a ticking sound in it.  sometimes its my heart beat, i assume that is normal.  Other times its much faster ticking.  i have no idea what it is….  do you experience this?  (and just cause i want to know… NT or ND?  if you have no idea, you’re probably NT – neurotypical)