The Fun Generator

 I am angry.
i am trying to be calm.

A c c e p t a n c e.

It’s an easy work if I spelled it alright.
I’m filled with rage and hate.
A few couple people tried to bing me down.
And they did.
But
I want a fucking hug.
I almost did that.
Almost texted a dude and told him to come and give me a hug.
That’s not fucking okay though
And yeah
That’s fucking weird
I thought you were self sufficient.
But as many words can tell me.
They are hugging me from far far away.
It’s not the same.
And yeah.
I just want a fucking hug.
I’ll let alcohol hug me instead.

Here is my mother.
She’s always put whatever lame ass dude she was fucking in front of me.
Yeah.
Don’t think I have issues, I do.
I do.
They are huge.
Everybody has issues though. Even the ones that are afraid to admit it.
Today I walked around and I saw nothing but fear.
I hate when this happens, but there was nothing but fear.
And lies.
So so many lies.
Why do you lie to me?
You should know I appreciate the truth.
i’m pretty sure I am deranged.
I’m pretty sure I should probably be locked up away
So you don’t have to think about me
Don’t have to look at me.
Not one of them. Not one of them can care about me.
And it hurts.
I hurt so bad.
 

I got a letter from my father.
It said
"Lindsay,
Please take the time to read this book. You might realize that the way you choose to interact with people has become detrimental to your relationships. It is very rare for anyone to live successfully without beneficial interactions with others. This book can elp you accomplish this.
I regret not being able to talk with you recently. your call came when I had just read your ‘family doesn’t understand’ post [on facebook} your faimily does understand and support your own path. Go for it. But don’t treat me with such disdain. -Dad"
The book was "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
I know. i should give it a shot, but the very title makes me angry.
Why do I have to WIN friends?
I don’t want to influence people.
I mean I do. But not to WIN friends.

I am just a rage ball of anger.
Especially since the first thing in the book is do not complain, criticize and some other c-word.
The whole not even month I tried to live with my father I endured more criticism than I could handle and now he is recommending me this stupid fucking book. It’s like blaming me for our relationship. Duh dude. I am not going to be your fucking doormat. I don’t want to agree with everything you say and I certainly have a voice that needs to be heard.
Who wants to hear me?
I am a ball of self loathing.
I was tempted to die.
I want to show my mother how much she hurts me.
She knows.
She denies.
And then she doesn’t sleep well at night.
Stupid bulemic bitch.
Criticize your daughter and applaud your stupid fucking husband for the same shit.
I can’t take it anymore.
i never came first.
I never had parents who showed me what it means to care.
I’m trying to learn.
Lord I am trying to learn.
But sometimes.

Many times.

Often lately.
I just don’t want to go on. I know it’s a short time and I’m out of here.
i know but they are insistent on making it miserable.
i want to break things.
I want a bat and a worn down car noone anywhere cares about.
I want a fucking hug.
Is that too much to ask for?
A fucking hug?

yes.
in this world I live in.
yes. it is.