shining

Last night was wow.
And I am certainly paying for it today.
Yesterday was insane all over.
I yelled at my mom for being difficult in making arrangements for me getting to take a screen printing class.
My brother yelled at me.
I yelled at my brother.
Went out, got tipsy, played pool.
Came home and tried to talk to my mom.
Ended up yelling again.
Ended up being yelled at again.
Went out, ate a burger, got completely blitzed.
Got home and took anger out on the kitchen.
Crushed chips, spilt water, didn’t clean it up, ate icecream.
My cat exploded over night.
Like seriously exploded. I woke up and found a pile of liquid shit by the door.
I took him to the garage.
I came back and found piles of vomit beside the bed.
I went back to bed cursing my head and why the fuck I take my frustrations out on myself so much.
I woke up briefly at some point and decided to try again with my mother and the screenprinting class.
She was going for it and then she was like ‘no’.
So I tried to talk to her calmly. The frustration grew as did my tone.
My brother jumped in again. My mother won’t budge.
I freaked out crying running outside.
My brother actually followed. Saying he cares about me.
Saying my parents care about.
I told him why I don’t think they do.
I think he heard me, because by the end of it things were calm.
I went back to sleep.
He brought me my lighter that I lost in his car.
He brought me a package of starburst trying to show that he cares.
Finally when I fought off enough of the hangover to not feel like vomitting anymore.
I apologized to my mother. She said she wasn’t going to cry.
I told her she should.
So through tear stained eyes we listened to each other.
She told me that she felt uncomfortable. I apologized and asked her why.
I explained to her that the avoidance and tip toeing around was making things more uncomfortable.
That she should talk to me.
She claimed that she had been trying and admitted in the same sentence that she realized the "how are you’s?" and "what are you doing’s?" weren’t doing anyone a favor.
It felt good. I gave her a hug. I told her I loved her, because I do.
I said a lot today. Too much all at once probably.
That’s what I need to work on.
Small doses.
I re-thanked her husband for his christmas gift.
Hopefully tomorrow I will find the time to have a conversation with him about how oddly presented it was.
And to apologize for getting passive aggressive in an email.
I have found myself doing things that I do not like.
I don’t want to play games and be passive.
I don’t want to be afraid to speak and share who I am.
I have been wasting my talent.
I have been scared for too long.