Excuses for my Father

Some conversations are hard to have.
I was holding back, but then I just let go.
My father is an abusive man.
I have similar tendencies to my father.
I am aware of them now and I’m not afraid of making amends.
She asked me if I respect my father.
And I said, "Not anymore"
Once I did, but no, no, not anymore.

Of course they will want to blame me.
It’s okay. He’s got the excuse of struggling with mental illness.
And he plays that card as an excuse for all his bad behavior.
But he never says ‘sorry’.
I used to never say sorry.
And I am sorry for that.

I will not accept that my mind is so weak.
My will is strong.
Yours can be too.
Each and every one of you.
No, it’s never easy.
But things that we struggle for, oft have a bigger payoff.

I am far from a perfect person.
I can admit my flaws.
I don’t think you should be silent.
I think you should share.
No it’s never easy.

It’s never easy to admit that you have allowed yourself to be taken advantage of.
It’s never easy to admit that you have allowed yourself to be abused.
Is it stronger to love without expectations of love being returned?
Is it stronger to put on a face and then cry in the dark alone?
Please don’t make excuses.
Especially not for me.
If you find yourself making an excuse, you need to tell me.

Indeed, we are balls of self-absorption.
There is no denying that… there is no wrong in that.
We should look out for our best interests.
The problem arises when what we think is best for us is skewed.

Is it better to be right or just?
I am still learning this shit. I will never stop.
And for that, I can be hopeful.
Sometimes you have to be man enough to say,
"I love you so much, that I have to leave."