egomaniacal

Last night I didn’t come home.
Why do I keep calling this place ‘home’?
It’s not mine.
It’s the first time I have spent the night out.
It was a blast. I had a fantastic time.
I returned home today to an envelope sitting on my bed.
Just my name on the outside with a $100 bill inside.
It was bizarre.
Nobody else was home.
When they returned and I felt like putting on clothes.
I inquired about the mystery envelope.
"Oh it’s your christmas present from Tom"
(my mother’s 3rd husband)
It bothers me when people are like ‘oh your step dad’.
No. He’s not.
Of course this has the appearance of an obscene gesture.
A passive aggressive one at the least.
He couldn’t wait til I got home?
He couldn’t write "merry christmas’ and sign the damn envelope.
Do we really have to believe that men are just that dumb?
My mother makes excuses for him.
Isn’t that a warning sign?
"Oh he just doesn’t get it"
Oh he gets it alright. Just play dumb.
I want to confront him on this, though I know there is no point.
It will just cause further tensions.
Tensions that were created by my mother.
People are afraid of people who have a different view point.
Why not try to understand their view point instead?
It doesn’t mean you have to agree with it or change your own unless you want to.
Stubborn old man.
Paranoid old man.
Those guns can’t protect you from yourself.

I fucked an honest boy last night.
I made him moan my name.
It felt good.
The warmth of my effort spewed across my chest.
I wore him out.
I need a strong man not necessarily physically.
He had a muscular physique, of course he was shorter than what his profile said.
I never need to hear from him again.

Though I did lose a fresh pack of cigarettes and my patriotic lighter.
Damn.
Don’t be jealous if you can’t get laid. It’s really not that hard after all.
You chose stability over adventure.