Yuck!

March 22, 2022 – 9:24 P.M.

Seriously, leave me alone! Lol I’ve been getting into Google photos a lot lately and I am embarrassed to admit I came across not only a picture of you (I think the first one you ever sent me) but some screenshots of a conversation where you were making me laugh, calling me your queen b and telling me I’m amazing. I know. I teased you for having screenshots too. (I honestly forgot I had them or thought I had already deleted them long ago) But I couldn’t help saving your sweet words at the time. I didn’t realize then how disingenuous they were. Or maybe they weren’t I really don’t even know. I don’t really care anymore.

I’m sure I’ve said this in so many ways, I don’t remember though. I think you meant so much to me cause it was easy to be open with you. You made me feel special and wanted. (Not in a sexual way) Up until that point, I had only had the guts to video chat ONE other person, ever. It was a big deal to me I felt okay enough to do it but even more when you still treated me the same after seeing me “in person”. After we had that video chat, the one where you showed me your bed as you were laying on it and told me my spot was right there so you could cuddle me, I felt good. You said I was pretty; Asked me what I looked for in a boyfriend and pointed out you checked all the boxes. I didn’t make up our connection. I didn’t push us into relationship territory. You did that Cam. That WAS you. I like to play it off as though the shit you said about me was so ludicrous I couldn’t be hurt and maybe hurt isn’t the word but it definitely stuck with me. I know it’s a you problem but still. Sometimes when I’m listening to a song I showed you, it makes me laugh at how I could see you taking the lyrics the wrong way. Where you might’ve thought I was obsessed but regardless it’s just your emotional immaturity showing. Not even saying that to be condescending.

I think you thought you loved me. I was definitely smitten. I’m not sorry I was hurt when you took it all back and acted cold/ standoffish and unfazed by everything after the initial break. After the Be Still and I’ll Still Have Me fiasco where you told me you were crying… haha (probably were but not over anything regarding us, just your own behavior/patterns hurting you) I reacted exactly the way anyone else would have in my situation. So I’m not apologizing anymore for ever being involved with you. You pulled me in. You wanted me close. You made me feel safe. And then you abandoned me and tried to make me feel crazy for feeling a certain type of way about it. You know you’re the cruel one, don’t you?

There used to be days where I’d want to try to confront you again but knowing it would be futile. You were a coward and I know that hasn’t changed.

A big part of it was real. You gave me hope and I did appreciate you for that.

You’re missing out now.