Twin Flame

August 9, 2020 – 10:02 P.M.

It’s so incredibly bittersweet.

We can talk to each other about the fact we’re not together; have conversations of what it might be like when I start dating someone here. “I imagine I’ll end up just being a dickhead, like no one is going to be good enough for you”.

We talk about the future of me being with someone else but it’s so obvious how much we still really care about each other. I still adore you. You still make me feel so loved. When we were a couple we used to say how unstoppable we were. It still feels that way. We’re such a team. We’re THE team.

And part of me really feels like had we been spending more time together, the whole Cameron thing would not have happened. When things were going well with him, I felt relieved because I thought I felt like I could truly let you go. Especially after talking about how we’d probably never meet in person. But I know I’d definitely be lying if I said I’ve let you go. I can’t explain exactly how I feel. But I know I haven’t. Nor do I want to.

I question if I only care about you so much just cause you make me feel good about myself. You say the kindest things about me with such sincerity, it impacts me on such a deep level. “You’re so pretty” is one of my favorites as shallow as it seems. You just sound so. I don’t know. Loving. And with so much certainy. You just really mean it. But you also really want me to know it/believe it. And I love you for that.

You feel like my twin flame; something I learned about some weeks ago. Like I told you, you bring out this glow in me. It burns so bright. And even though we might not be meant to be, we’ll always, always have a part of each other. You’re always going to be my skelly boy.

Hours on Skype is never enough, I always miss you immensely, immediately. It’s things like this…

Him randomly doing a slight of hand trick that made me laugh cause I was expecting to know what happened to the little, balled up wrapper but I was genuinely impressed. A little later he did it again and asked where I thought it was. I pointed to his left hand. His fist still closed, he asked, “this one?” I smiled and nodded a little saying “yeah.” Then he opened his hand, it was empty. I laughed and asked where it went. He said, “do you really wanna know? You might be disappointed unmasking the magician.” I thought for a sec and decided no, I wanted to hold onto the magic lol Then he went and got a deck of cards. My first card was the 8 of clubs but I was giggling to death the entire time since it was a Skype call and I just assumed he was looking at the screen to cheat. He kept asking, “why are you laughing??” Which only made me laugh harder. “You don’t believe me?” He asked before getting up and coming back with a t-shirt, putting it over his head to cover his eyes. This time it was the queen of hearts, I lit up wanting to joke and say “oh that’s perfect for me” but refrained from it to keep from giving it away. He said “ah yes queen of hearts, that suits you.” I was still a little skeptical. On the last round he said, “this fella is related to yours… must be my card, king of hearts” SWOON. How freaking cute is he? He explained it to me after that and said the true magic trick was me finding those cards! lol He showed me another involving the 4 kings. I was genuinely delighted and asked where he learned these. “Just some weird, creepy uncles I suppose”

I know I didn’t explain it when it happened on video but I got emotional because all jokes aside, I don’t like to think of the future where you might not be in my life. Not talking anymore cause of someone new. If I ever lost you. If you ever died. How I wish we could meet in person. I honestly don’t know what will happen in the future but you must know I love you, right?