Sweetie Baby?

October 6, 2019 – 3:39 P.M.

I went to a comedy show last night and was allowed to meet the headliner afterwards. The opener was at the merch table and because I wasn’t planning on buying anything I felt awkward and thought I guess I don’t talk to this guy. But as I got closer to the end of the table in line, I thought no, he put on a really good show too and I wanted him to know. So I looked at him and said, “I loved your set by the way” like a dork. To which he said “Aw thank you sweetie baby, I appreciate that.” Or something along those lines?? I got bashful and smiled. But honestly? I highly doubt that is what he actually said. In my nervous/anxious brain I didn’t really pay attention because it was so much effort giving this man a compliment that what comes after tends to be hazy. So I really have no clue what he actually said. All I know is he thanked me. I mean it would be seriously cute if he called me something like that lol But why would he? And why in my mind is that was I heard?? hahah It’s so bizarre.

The show was so fun and I had a really good time but for some reason it made me look inward. Like these guys are around my age and there they were talking about themselves and their life experience. I’m thinking, I don’t really have any. And I always feel somewhat out of place in crowds or sometimes even just small groups of people. I feel invisible like I want to be as a self preservation thing but then I also want to be noticed. Or have someone find me interesting. Talk to me. Connect. Want to keep talking to me. I understand my problems are my fault in the way I think of myself and behave. I wish I thought or even knew I was good enough. I think it but don’t believe it. I think I’m pretty fun and friendly and easy going but at the same time I worry I’m boring and weird and awkward. It’s the most annoying thing. If someone strikes up a conversation with me, I think I do just fine. But I never see an opportunity to or reason to initiate and I guess that’s just me being afraid of rejection. Sometimes I just feel like no one is really on a level that suits me. Not cause they’re not good enough but there is a chemistry that I’d like to be there. People who just get it or just get you and you click. Sometimes it just feels flat.

Lately I’ve been thinking I’d seriously love some guy friends. I’m not sure why exactly. Probably because I’ve only had one my entire life. And I guess I could blame this podcast I listen to where a guy and girl are just chatting and being friends, joking around and hanging out. I definitely want that. Someone to hang out with and just have fun with. Sounds like I just want a boyfriend maybe but I actually don’t want the pressure of a relationship like that. Having a friend would be ideal. I guess I feel alone. And feel like I’m really missing out… and have been missing out for so long. I think, I want people to like me and take me seriously and give me attention, to want to be in my company. But I know it’s actually me who doesn’t like me or take myself seriously or even want to be in my own company haha It’s pretty sad really. Why do I not like myself THAT much? I forget people have laregly different opinions of me than I do of myself. I’d really like to change that. And I think if I put in the effort, make those famous baby steps everyone mentions then maybe I will get somewhere. I seriously just want to have fun and enjoy life.

This entry has reached the maximum limit of the word “just” (and a few others) so I’ll leave it. Thank you to anyone who actually read it all. My apologies to your brain lol