Now I’m the liar.

August 1, 2020

Timing is everything and timing is funny.

You didn’t care when I told you I missed being friends. You said you missed it too but didn’t act like it or make any effort to try bringing us back. So I honestly let it go. Tried to detach and I feel for the most part I actually have. I do care but not like that. I’ve finally come to a point of acceptance in losing you as a friend and moving on. Then you message me.

If you’re willing to talk more then I am too… you said. Oh bestie. I’ve always been willing. You just never gave a shit. Took me for granted if I do say so myself. I told you, yeah that sounds nice but it’s a lie. I’m indifferent to a friendship now. I really don’t care either way what happens. I’m not holding my breath for you to actually care. I felt put on the spot and didn’t want to be mean or rude. Or maybe I just didn’t want to kick you when you’re down. I really have no idea. I’d say maybe subconsciously I’d like to reconcile but I really don’t think that’s it. You left such a bad taste in my mouth. And I don’t trust you anymore. I’m not even letting myself have hope for a better friendship. You were only saying those things last night cause you were sad and alone. Don’t come crawling to me, cause ima let you crawl.

I don’t need you.

It’s weird how part of me thinks you’re a dumb little shit. Just using me at your convenience, only talking to me when you need something. But then the other part thinks you’re genuine and I appreciate you opening up, knowing you don’t really express your feelings much. Admitting your fault in us drifting apart was actually kinda big. And truthfully a little surprising. And nice to hear. Although it feels tainted and it’s pretty pathetic you’re just NOW realizing how you might have hurt my feelings. I could’ve used that two months ago. I cried over you so much more than you actually know. (Mostly because it’s embarrassing af and I was already hurt enough, I didn’t need to be hurt more by you not giving a shit or making me feel worse)

You’re having problems with a girl. And who are you to assume I “wouldn’t want to know”? You wanted to talk to other girls. You made that very clear. So why would it be that surprising to me? I mean I guess thanks for trying to be considerate of my feelings? I really hate the position you put me in. Actually that I put myself in. It feels like things should be so black and white but I always find myself stuck in the gray area. The position being feeling like I’m over it but having a deep down little nagging in the back of my mind feeling that I do care. For whatever reason, I do. To some minute degree. It is there. So that part of me wants to believe you care about me too. It wants to believe you when you say, “I’m going to make more effort to talk to you” When the rest of me says no you really won’t. Or, it doesn’t matter to me either way if you do.

We are drifting. I held us together. In my last entry I wrote about putting in the same amount of effort you do and look where we are. Your effort isn’t enough. If you want me as a friend, show me. Be sincere. There’s a reason why “actions speak louder than words” is a saying.

With that being said, it’s after 10 your time and I haven’t heard a word from you today. Not surprised, always disappointed.