I lost a friend.

May 25, 2020 – 2:00 P.M.

I actually got some sleep last night. I dreamt you messaged me back saying you read what I wrote and that it made you very angry.

Cut to me in your room, sitting at the end of your bed, you vehemently shaming me. Gathering all the things that involved our friendship while I just helplessly watched. You found pictures of me online, basically to tell me how ugly I really am. Then you took off a friendship bracelet we had together and threw it in the box with the other mementos. You grabbed my wrist and tried to take mine as well. I didn’t want you to, you got scissors and cut it off. You cut me down with your words, disgusted with me. I did nothing. I sat there and took it.

I know it’s easier to be irritated with me. You say all the blame is on you but the way you huff and scoff at me in disbelief is accusatory in itself like it’s my fault I felt a certain way towards you. It’s easier for you to be mad at me like I’m the one not getting it because that’s easier than admitting to yourself you are misleading. You even said yourself you’ve had to apologize to other people before.

I’m not sure you understand how hurtful this type of rejection can be. You give a person the type of attention that says I love you, you’re always on my mind, I wanna be with you. Then you pull the rug out from under them by saying I regret everything.

That is a lot to regret Cam. I don’t want to be your regrets. I don’t want to be a sad little puppy dog you pity cause fucking god forbid I cared about you too much for your liking.

I know logically the things you say about why we’re not good for each other are true because I’ve thought the same things. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less to acknowledge those reasons. I try not to take it personally. I know you have your issues. But a big part of me feels that’s it’s extremely personal. I don’t know what you really want from me.