Endless wonder.

July 27, 2020 – 10:17 P.M.

I give you what you give me.

I started out myself. Open, bright, playful, confident, wanting to connect. But the hurdles we’ve gone through has left me wounded; unsure of myself. Insecure. I shrink myself down to keep you from recoiling. I shrink myself because it feels bad to be on such different levels now. You liked me so much more then. (Whether you’d like to admit it or not)

I’ve come to a point where I hardly think of you anymore. No where near as much as I used to. It’s almost day and night in comparison. Yet here I am. Writing words you’ll probably never read. I don’t feel safe opening up to you anymore. You’re a different person. I don’t trust anything you say anymore. Anything that has to do with how you feel about me. You can’t blame me though, right?

I get stuck feeling torn between trying to understand you and possibly rationalizing everything and being stern with myself, trying to keep it black, white and factual. Understanding your issues, your age, how I’m probably expecting way too much, expecting a level of emotional maturity that’s not fair to you. And then thinking I mean pretty much nothing to this kid. But then why does he still message me? Because no one else is around. Or is it because even though he doesn’t say it or show it, he still feels like I’m a constant in his life? Fuck me, it’s pathetic. That’s the type of back and forth I deal with. Too compassionate wanting to understand and help yet trying to keep myself grounded and guarded not wanting another blow. Never be blindsided again. So I tread lightly. I put in the same amount of effort you do. I keep it short. I keep it surface level. Seems like the thing to do but for what? Cause I can’t deal with trying to connect and having you phone it in? To try to punish you by being as boring and lame as possible and not fun to talk to anymore?

You don’t deserve me. I don’t know what you deserve. I meant it when I said I missed being friends the way we were. You don’t need to love me. I’ve never needed more than what we had. Your company was my favorite for a while. You really fucked it up. You used to care that you made a mistake. But this time you just completely shut me out and changed drastically. Still wonder what exactly happened. But I know we’ll probably never talk about it again. The closure I get will be my own coming to terms with the events and the state we’re in from said events.

I guess I’d feel even worse if you stopped messaging me altogether. I speak when spoken to. And if you stop messaging me, I think that will be it. All I want is that connection back. The fun talks and joking around. Playing question games and video chats/phone calls. But knowing it’s not going back to that, I just have to forget about it all. Let it all settle, burn out, fade away. I do miss you.