Calmer Than You Are

August 19, 2021 – 1:40 P.M.

I am not doing well. Feels like I’ve been fighting off panic all day at work today. Hard time focusing, feeling restless and fidgety. Been doing breathing squares. Stretching, drinking water. Trying to listen to something funny. But my mind is relentless so I’m attempting to write to idk, distract myself. I think I just need to go home, change into comfortable clothes, have a good meal, and possibly a cry. I don’t really know.

I’m having little aches and pains that feel out of the norm which is ALWAYS hard for me to rationalize. Definitely a trigger. I worry about my health but then I try to keep myself grounded not trying to overreact. But then I begin spiraling about why can’t I just change and why am I like this haha and I literally fall deeper and deeper down a hole until my attention is broken I guess and I stop for a while.

A lot I’ve just been wondering how is anxiety such a common thing yet I feel so isolated with how it is for me, what I go through. It’s all very confusing.

My break is over in a few minutes. I’ll update later.

**September 8, 2021 – 10:22 P.M.**

Well, “later” was actually supposed to be when I got home from work that day. And if has been so long I genuinely don’t remember much other than crying in my car on the drive home but even that is hazy. I had ended up doing something with Effie and Libby.

Last night I woke up in full blown panic. Disoriented too. I got out of bed before I even had a grasp on the situation and made my way to my kitchen freezer where I keep a couple of those flimsy 16 oz water bottles. I pulled one out and placed it directly on the back of my bare neck. Then on my throat. My cheeks. Anywhere that felt flushed, which was pretty much everywhere. I don’t recall being fully calm before I crawled back into bed but I remember falling asleep with it next to me. Very strange. I’m usually more alert when experiencing that kind of episode. I do remember my heart beating SO hard.

Although I had sleepytime tea before bed and set myself up for a relaxing night, I think i had too much on my mind. My lower back has a strained muscle that was really sore and bothering me, plus an ache in my thigh on the same side. I’m an undiagnosed hypochondriac so that was a terrible mindset to fall asleep to. I’m blaming that. Not sure what I’ll do next time but I am okay with how I handled it last night. I “came down” a lot faster than I have in the past.