And all at once, summer collapsed into fall.

November 5, 2018 – 7:49 P.M.

Fall is always bittersweet. I’m excited for the change in weather, color and overall feel. Everything slows down. I like the stillness and quiet. But the introspection that comes with it is slightly draining and a little depressing. Or a lot depressing. There’s no question I rarely consciously acknowledge what weighs heavy on my soul and maybe that’s why and how I feel moody and unsteady the moment my mind has the opportunity to wander.

Then of course there is G. With given what I just said above, I haven’t really let myself feel anything over our breakup. The first couple weeks or so I was all tears. Then it faded since we still talked every day (still do) and some days thinking maybe we weren’t right for each other. Some days wondering/feeling as though I was falling out of love with him. But I suppose that could be a coping mechanism. Telling myself I don’t care, hoping to believe it.

Then Kail is at the Oregon coast. And she sends me pictures (as I requested) and it just comes rushing in. Much like the waves in one of the videos she shared. I remember how I dreamt of going there alone around this time to enjoy the cold air and sea. Happy solitude. That was my original plan. Then I met G and when I told him about it he thought it would be neat to go. Or he was worried about me going alone. I don’t quite remember but I dreamt up a whole other scenario where the 2 of us went. Thinking how we could have a rental house right on the beach. Play house. Watch the sunrise. Comb the beach for keepsakes. Lay on it at night to star gaze. Fly kites. Go to museums. Things like that make me sad. Because I still want them terribly. Yet it seems they’ll never come true now. Once they were a challenge, but now… now they’re just hopes and dreams of my memories. Unattainable.

I’ve been wanting and wanting so deeply to be together. Hang out. Do simple things like go to the movies. Just be in each other’s presence. I ache for it.

We were on Skype last night for over 2 hours. He looked good. Is doing good. And I am happy for him, truly. It just scares me that he could leave me behind. Scares me that he could fall out of love with me. I don’t know how he feels. Yet I know if I expressed this he’d say something genuine and I’d feel silly for feeling this way

I wanna be doing well too. Where’s my heart, my courage, my strength?

Been thinking a lot during my commute to and from work. Maybe I just need help. I’ve always wanted to get it. I know I need it. I’d like to address so much. Anger, anxiety, fear. The ever indestructible roadblocks I place for myself. My pattern of coping and life in general. I want insight.

Just got distracted and had to pause my music. Pandora closed. When I reopened it a song called, Light At The End Of The Tunnel began playing. It’s beautiful and reassuring as I take things like that as I sign I’ll be okay.