All Eyes On Me

July 7, 2021 – 8:22 P.M.

Yesterday I started this show on Netflix. I got about halfway through and decided to finish it today during my lunch break at work. It was so touching and I felt like I hadn’t experienced it deep enough I decided to watch it again once I got home. As I sat on my couch I noticed the restlessness that is my anxiety and got kinda annoyed with it. Why do I feel this way? Then a thought came to me, maybe I just need to cry. Almost immediately I began crying.

The problem with being a bottle-up-your-emotions kind of person is when that bottle is opened, there’s so many reasons why you’re upset, it’s kinda hard to pinpoint and they all overwhelm you. I’ll start with the show. Empathy is playing a big part. It was so relatable. It was hard to realize/admit it was relatable. One song in it in particular really breaking my heart.

Also today I was thinking how regardless where I’m working (office or home) I still have struggles either way. I just feel like working in the office gives me more anxiety and makes me feel less fulfilled and happy. I have more structure which feels good but it also feels like a prison. It’s hard to explain.

Thinking about my looks a lot lately too. I’ve been feeling so down. In the past I used to have “ugly days” but they seem to be happening a lot more frequently, less good days in between. Aging and being the biggest I’ve ever been doesn’t help.

In a perfect world my family would be less dysfunctional. None of us would suffer any mental illnesses. There would be no unspoken divide between mom’s side snd dad’s side. I wouldn’t be scared of everything. I wouldn’t be ashamed of myself. I would carry myself with confidence cause I would be confident. I would be at a healthy weight and nourish my body with actual food. I wouldn’t be afraid to be vulnerable. I would be happy with a job that suits me. Or career even. Or business! I’d be a mother. A homemaker. I’d be with someone family oriented with similar values and sense of humor as me. I would live in a different state. I’d have some hobbies. Janette would still be alive. My grandma would still be alive. Moshi would still be alive.

I know most of these things are obtainable. And some are just high expectations. Unrealistic.

I don’t know. I always think I know where to start then I lose all sight. Of my goals. Of everything. I’m really tired.