Why Is it So Hard?!

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Why is it so hard for him to even act happy around me? It hurts my heart so bad to look at him and him not even acknowledge me! It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even hold my hand in the car unless I grab his. Why!? Even when I grab his hand…it’s not tight, it’s loose and I hate that!

Tonight, while we were laying on my couch watching TV, he just reclined and put his hands behind his head. I was on the opposite end of the couch and usually he’ll ask why I wasn’t laying in his lap…tonight nothing was said. And he wonders why I’m mad so often, maybe it’s becuz he isn’t showing me he loves he.

I know in my heart he loves me, but my mind is almost doubting it. It meaning everything he has told me dealing with us and about love. If you love me so fucking much SHOW ME!!….PROVE IT!!…LET ME KNOW HOW SPECIAL I AM OR HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE ME!! Do something please!!

The other night he told me the only time I’m not aggravating him is when I’m not talking and he was laughing and grinning when he said it. Gee Hunny!…I Love You Too!! *gags self*

What the fuck!! Why would you tell you girlfriend of practically 1 year and 6 months that she gets on you nerves pretty much the whole time your with her?!? Why would you want to say that knowing she’s sensitive and knowing it would probably break her almost nonexsisting heart?! Why say anything at all…Why not just kick her to the curb?….Becuz he hasn’t ended  "us"  yet is the only proof I have that he loves me other than the I Love Yous when we get off the phone…that’s a given becuz it’s a habit.

I have 2 days until my 1 year and 6 month anniversary. That is a very BIG deal for me. Never made it that far with anyone so yeah, I’m excited. I don’t exactly know why becuz I know he’s going to want to spend Friday night with his friends at the lot showing off their cars which is cool becuz our anniversary isn’t until Saturday. But, I know he’ll probably wanna go back out there Saturday night and chill. I can almost guarentee he won’t so anything special or spontaneous. I’ve tried giving him hints and ideas about what to get me. I would love to have Laguna Beach Season 1. I told him he could rent a hotel room for Saturday night and just let us chill. Hell, if he didn’t wanna have sex (something most definitely is wrong *lol*) then okay with me…I just want to be with him. To tell yall the truth, at this point no matter what he got me, even if it was just a card with a little hand written note in it, I’d probably cherish it forever!! Little things are totally okay with me.

I just want him to tell me he still loves me and still finds me sexy and beautiful!! I just want him to tell me he still wants to be with me. That’s truely all I want for my anniversary present! Is that too much to ask for?