Hurt from different places!!

everything has been crazy. crazy confusing, crazy bad, crazy scarey!….notice nowhere in there was crazy good or great! *lol*

my parents are divorced and have been for almost 9 years now. I live with my dad. I could not see it any other way…I love my dad with all of my heart and can’t even imagine not being being with him. Hmm….Do I love my mother? Yes, of course becuz she is my mom. But has she been there for me as a mom? No, I haven’t actually seen her in 5 years. To tell you the truth, since my parents got divorced I have NOT seen my mom in 7 of those 9 years.

I have a trip planned for Roger and me in September to go see my mom out in Oregon. My dad bought my plane ticket as a senior gift…I guess he sees it as sending me on my senior trip. He also bought Roger’s plane ticket…only becuz he didn’t want me going by myself and becuz Roger really wanted to meet my mom (and take a trip to CA. my mom lives like an hour away from there). Roger doesn’t even have to pay him back.

My mom and me talk a lot on the phone. I call her all the time wanting to talk. Well, here lately things have been weird with her. She just hasn’t been the same and like I said just acting weird. Last night she calls me hysterical and tells me some guy beat the shit out of her in the laundry room of her apartment complex. What?! Why would just a random guy do that?…So then she explains to me that her 19 year old friend got pissed at her and is getting all her guy friends to call and harrass my mom….and obviously scare the shit out of her, or beat the shit out of her….either one will work. Okay, first of all, why does she hang out with people MY age?!? It’s like she’s hanging out with her daughter, ya know. Anyways….

So this guy supposedly beats her up and then someone comes back and slashes all 4 of her car tires. She calls me like I can do something…call the fucking cops stupid!!! Yes, I did tell her that. She didn’t do it though. So I talk to her and calm her down becuz she is scared. My mom has guys calling her phone telling her they’re going to kill her. Okay, and she’s still not calling the cops. Something is definitely wrong.

After all that I finally fall asleep. When I woke up this morning I called and made sure she was okay and she was. She was just chilling and trying to relax. At 7:15ish tonight, her 19 year old friend from Oregon calls my cell…me being in Alabama… and starts talking 90-to-nothing about how she hasn’t had anything to with what’s happening to my mom. My mom is on drugs and how my mom is going crazy. Do I believe? A little, but I don’t want to. This is supposedly the girl getting my mom beat up…so I say whatever and pretty much hang up.

My mother then calls me about 15 minutes later, once again hysterical, crying and trying to talk. I’m telling her calm down and talk to me becuz I need to know what’s going on. She finally gets out something about someone trying to break into her apartment and she doesn’t know what to do. Then she goes on this rant about how she’s about to either A) go kill someone and get arrested or B) go get killed. About how Roger and me need to start thinking about going up there and visiting her in jail. Um NO! I don’t think so.

I automatically say whatever and hang up and speed dial my brother!! I love him more than anyone in my life (yes, including my dad) and he knows how to handle my mom. So he calls her immediately and talks to her and calms her down.

Here is the deal : My mother is very mentally ill. She’s not like crazy and gets a check each month, but she is diagnosed with being Bipolar and something else. She has a job which pretty much pays for her apartment rent, electricty, gas, and cigarettes. She’s poor in my mind. She does NOT have enough money to buy her medications. She does not have enough money to seek help. Becuz she went into this emotional frenzie tonight, she did not go to work therefore she probably got fired. My brother is wiring her money tomorrow to get her started on her medicine and hopefully get her started in some counseling. He does not believe she got beat up. He does not believe her tires were slashed. He does however believe her 19 year old friend could have had people call and harrass her and possibly threaten her life just to scare her.

Ever time she get into  "a mood"  she will call me, her 18 year old daughter, instead of my brother….her 25 year old son. I can’t stand it becuz I personally don’t know what to say to her when she’s like that. Obviously he does becuz he has done it numerous times. Everytime she calls me and acts like that (hysterical) I hang up as soon as I can and call him so he can call her. He tells me I’m a strong person to be able to handle as much from her as I do. It’s so hard. It’s emotionally draining! I hate my mother when she does it, but I feel so bad for her becuz she can’t afford help. Usually she will get mad me for bringing him into it, but I have to. Tonight, for the first time…she thanked me for helping her. She thanked me for bring my brother into it.

As for Roger and my trip to see her…I’m not quite sure it’s a good idea right now. He pissed me off so bad tonight I wanted to go balls-to-the-walls and go fucking crazy on him!! I’m sitting there crying becuz my mom is sick and I can’t help her and he doesn’t understand!! He doesn’t hold me or tell me everything will be okay. He just sits there. I yelled at him and told him he had no heart! I told him I needed comfort and sympathy and he looked at me and kinda shrugged and said  "HmM". I know I was upset and I kinda took it out on him, but I had every right to say that. Although I did apologize, I feel as though I said nothing wrong.

I told him we might have to cancel our trip…he got pissed. He doesn’t understand why. He doesn’t understand my mom’s condition and how truely sick she is. I told him he had no right to be mad and once again he disagreed and that was that. Hell, it’s not like he paid for both NONREFUNDABLE tickets. It’s hard to be with someone who doesn’t get what is going on….Roger knows what Bipolar is. He knows people with that need medication. I personally don’t understand why he’s being selfish about the whole situation!!

I guess only time will tell if everything is going to be okay.