long time no see…

sorry about that. i have a longer entry in me somewhere but not tonight. i want to write in here more, but i always want to do it when i have time to return the notes i’ve gotten. but as it turns out, i don’t have the time… ever. for the first time in about a month kalen seems to be sleeping normally, so i am taking a quick second to let you all know:

1. yes i am alive
2. kalen is doing great, as for me…?
3. marco and i have broken up…. i think.

or maybe we haven’t. it’s getting harder to tell the last couple weeks. i moved into a house, and marco didn’t move with us, but lately, he’s here more than he’s not. he is asleep on the couch right now, as a matter of fact. but then again, i was the one originally who called him back to my life, breaking a week of silence, and it was for kalen. he seems incapable of sleeping without marco in the house. it’s always been that way, (i used to think it was cute, but now i am starting to find it kind of insulting) but marco has rarely been gone more than a night or two before now.

and this situation has just further higlighted the thing that has caused so much confusion in the saga that is amelia and marco. i love marco, and i love how much marco loves kalen, and oh my god, how amazingly beautiful is it how much kalen loves marco. suffice to say, there’s a lot of love here. but what about the part of the equation that remains unspoken, but without which nothing would be? what about andrew?

i am not proud to say that in recent months i have failed andrew. i forgot to think about him every morning before getting out of bed. i watched entire movies without thinking "andrew would have loved this." i thought about futures that didnt have me identified as andrew’s widow first and myself second. i was unapologetically happy, all the time. it was shameful really. but still it was nice.

and we all know nice things rarely last. how long could i reasonably expect happiness? how long could i honestly expect the little psuedo-family i had to remain in tact? how long could i fairly expect marco to go along with playing house before he started wanting some well deserved reality? too long apparently.

the story is long, but basically moving into the house stirred up a lot of things, and i wasnt ready to deal with any of it. marco forced my hand, and neither of us were happy with what i did or said. and now, i dont know if its fixable.

am i crazy? i am a 24-year-old single mother who has this amazing guy that actually wants to be a part of my son’s life and i cannot let him. well, i can let him do all the work, but when it comes to terminology, and when it comes to legalities, i cannot seem to give him the label he has earned. at some point kalen has to figure out that not everyone has a "mommy "and a "marco," that the guy who feeds him and reads him stories and comforts him when he is sick or scared is known to other kids as "dad." i know this logically, and yet, i don’t know. it feels so wrong to deny andrew something so big as ownership of that title. even though i know andrew wouldnt ever want to sacrafice our son’s happiness over semantics. and marco wouldnt ever put our son in a position where he had to choose one dad over another.

and you cant blame marco for any of this. he’s been completely reasonable through it all. he gave me a ring and let me define it anyway i wanted. for lack of a better term, i have come to think of it as a committment ring. i truly have committed myself to marco. but the issue of kalen brought up the issue of us. marco asked the hard question that i had loved him so much for having not asked before/]. and i heard myself answering, saying something i both did and didnt feel. no, i told him, i don’t see myself ever getting married again, not to you, not to anyone. i meant it at the time, and still do. but at the same time, i see myself with marco. and the rest to me, is just another issue of semantics. i want to tell him that we ARE going somewhere, the i DO take us as seriously as he does. but at the same time, i cannot say those words. i mean, once i say that i am also saying that andrew is replaceble, that i can have the same thing with marco that i did with andrew. which isnt possible, i mean it was ANDREW. if you were there, then you know what i am saying. and what kind of person am i if i can just let myself be swept up in another guy like that? love like that doesnt happen twice, so either andrew is getting the shaft or marco is.

and what kind of a person am i anyway? it hasnt even been two years, and here i am whining about my dating troubles. what’s left of andrew is sitting in a box in the top shelf of the linen closet, and i am thinking about boy problems???

ok, this has become a rant. i swear more in-depth explanation is coming, but for now i need to sleep while kalen will let me.