i think it must be fate…
that i am feeling the worst i have felt in years and years, and i am sitting here wondering what to so, and then i see an email saying OD is back.
it’s been approximately two lifetimes since i wrote here, and yet at this moment i am feeling so overwhelmed and sad that i keep going back to the days after andrew and it feels … not the same, but reminiscent.
in pretty much every way, my life today is perfect. i have had nearly 5 blissful years with mike. we have a beautiful family, like literally every day i can’t believe that i made these 3 little humans. and if you asked anyone, even them, they would probably say i am kicking ass at being a mom. even me, i’d say that against all odds i am good at being a mother.
where i fail is in being a wife. mike is so kind and sweet and ready to forgive. we have literally never gotten in a fight because he is always ready to listen to what i have to say and manages to have the perfect words to explain what he’s thinking. he is devoted and when he tells me he loves me or thinks i am beautiful, i believe that he believes it. i can tell him anything.
but i cant seem to rise to his level. no matter how much i love him ,which is a lot, i feel like i am a liability to him.
and right now, i am feeling lost. hallie’s dad just died and i am stuck in this grief loop, reliving every moment of mom and every moment of andrew. and i want to say so much more about it all, but of course one of those beautiful human beings i made is awake and duty calls.
I am glad that we can be back for you, welcome!
@thediarymaster thank you… seriously this place saved my sanity 100 times over the last 15 or so years.
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Hello… have you ever listened to Is Anybody Out There by Pink Floyd? I thought of that after I read your post. I don’t think I knew you back then, but I am sooooo happy that OD is back. I cried for months when it left before. I hope your feeling some better tonight. Hugs from turtle
@turtles thank you! i do know that song. it was one i used to like to get high to as a teen attempting to rebel hahaha
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Hugs! I’m glad you wrote tonight, that you shared how you are feeling. I find writing to be very helpful too. Keep writing.
@wildrose_2 thank you. i haven’t written my feeling about anything down in forever. it’s amazing and a little uncomfortable to commit your thoughts to (digital) paper. i hope i can keep finding time to do it though.
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Is it Matt or is it Mike? Just wondering, I got lost with names.
I totally fail at being a husband too. I can’t seem to rise to the level of my wife. I can’t really express feelings, and the only way to show my love is through material things. It falls short.
@iamwilliam lol mike. matt is one of my sons. not sleeping more than 3 consecutive hours in 8 months has rendered me non-functional in the details department.
at least it’s not just me failing at spouse-hood!
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I’m sorry to hear of your struggle. Sometimes life is hard, much harder than we expect. Sometimes, harder than it needs to or should be. What is important, is to keep facing forward, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each step, no matter how small, is still progress. Be kind to yourself, and remember that perspective is everything. Our perspective when feeling down or self-critical, isn’t always the full picture. Sometimes our brain tricks us and only shows us part of what is there. I believe you’ve already taken a big step forward by sharing your thoughts, as that takes courage. I can relate to your anguish, so I just wanted to reach out and give you a virtual hug. You are not alone.
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