back again!

I havent logged on to OD in ages. i think of it, and the friends i found here, often… but i have struggled to actually get back here. there are a million excuses to make for why i’ve stayed away so long: i had 2 kids to contend with, there were wedding details to be considered, a relationship to tend to, an increasingly convoluted network of family and friends to manage….

but really, i think coming back here was too scary for me. there are all these thoughts, feelings, people even, that have been locked away on these pages. i sat down many times to log on and found myself unable to type the url. i never was the brave one, i suppose.

and yet, today, finally, i am back. i sit here, at a cafe during my lunch hour, a pile of work to be done but my fingers took me here, to OD. how amazing is it that i returned to notes from people who should have written me off long ago for my selfish disappearing act? notes from less than 2 months ago even! thank you, OD friends! really, you people are awesome.

and im sorry i left for so long.

i am back here now, and i am not sure why, but my guess is that i am again in need of the clarity that this diary provided me before. funny thing is that my life is 100000xs different than it once was, and my need is different too. a brief update:

• marco and i did not get married. we came reeeeeaaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyy close, as in 2 weeks away from taking the plunge close. but we didnt go through with it, because…
   
• desmond, my best friend’s hallie’s son, was living with us. marco was always just as kind and loving to him as he had been to kalen, but i could tell there was a large part of him not on board with the arrangement. there was no other place for him to be though, so i guess marco dealt with it. very long story very short- there came a time when there was another place for desmond to go, with another caretaker. i was adamant about not giving up custody (after almost 2 years, how could i?) and marco was adamant that we should. ultimately, the decision was taken out of my hands, and desmond is not living with us anymore….
   
• by us, i mean kalen and i …and in a way marco. our arrangement is sitcom-esque in some ways, but it seems to be working for us at the moment. our house, like pretty much every house in our city is a triple decker, with rental units. after our decision to put marriage on hold ultimately gave way to our decision to split up, marco moved across town. kalen was MISERABLE. i, in turn, was MISERABLE. with kalen getting old enough to go to preschool, i was looking forward to getting to work. i put a job off way longer than i should have and funds were low, especially after all the legal fees involved with the desmond situation. at around that time, marco lost his job. so after 3 bottles of wine we somehow landed on marco moving into the basement apartment and watching kalen while i worked. and, really, its an arrangement that has worked. though that may be changing because…
   
• i am getting married. to someone who isnt marco. i met mike 2 years ago, but nothing happened because we were both in other situations. honestly i never even thought of him that way. but after the dust from marco had settled down, i was hanging out with mike one night and realized how incredibly happy i was just being near him. things happened quickly i guess, but also so totally naturally. this experience feels so different from anything before. i feel like this is exactly where i should be in my life. even when that means thinking that andrew was not the one, i feel at peace with that thought. i will always love andrew. one had nothing to do with the other.

so yeah, there is a not-so-brief update! i am so happy that some of the people i cared about are still here. i will be back a lot more now that i have overcome this hurdle of logging in.