a lot of reasons i am the worst…

Kalen leaves for his grandmother’s house in a little over 12 hours. i can’t decide who has it worse, me for having to get through a week without him, or a him for having to get through a week with Andrew’s family. i will never pretend that i don’t miss him, but it’s been 11 years since Andrew died; it’s not unreasonable to expect these people to be able to get through one conversation with the kid without tears. but, ever his father’s son, K is understanding, and patient, and kind. it’s one of those marvels of nature vs. nurture at work. K never met his father, they never breathed the same air… and yet, he is SO Andrew sometimes. i’ve tucked him in every night for 11 years and i can barely stomach a text exchange with my former mother-in-law.

i hate when he leaves for these visits, and i have been VERY clear that he does not have to go, but he says it means a lot to them, and that he thinks it would mean a lot to Andrew too. and he calls him that, Andrew, more and more now. which fucking kills me. and he calls mike dad more often than he calls him mike these days, which i love, and that also fucking kills me.

i am still feeling… lost? anxious? overwhelmed? i’m not sure anymore. i have so much to be thankful for, but i can’t seem to shake this feeling. i DO have a lot going on right now, which seems to be my grownup way of avoiding things. in my 20s it was music, writing and weed. now, it’s tenant applications, scoping out preK programs (yes, i know, i hate myself a little too), work deadlines, obsessive research into baby sleep schedules , etc etc.

add to that that all my friends seem to be having emotional crises at the moment, and i am the only person they can talk to. which i appreciate and am happy to do, but it’s all triggering AF. Sherry and her miscarriage, Hallie and her father’s death from cancer, Julie and her divorce, Lexi and her impending divorce.

i want to help them all. but their realities are my worst memories or biggest fears relived. so i sit and i listen. i offer advice when asked and cry with them when needed.

and then i go back to my life and wonder… how tenuous is all this that i have here?