We all have our issues, right?

So my emotions have been up and down the past few days at work. We’ve been in a constant state of change since February – and let me say that it is getting old. Now, most of the changes have been for the good and we have made incredible improvements. You wouldn’t recognize how we do business now to how we used to do it, that’s for sure. Well, mix that with changes in your personal life, and it’s enough to throw you for a loop.

I applied for a new position at work called a VMI Analyst. It would mean I’d make the break from hourly to salaried (yay!), really dig into the “meat” of our business by managing inventory on our end and the customer’s end. It would also mean I could put my statistical experience and analytical mind to great use. When I told my boss I was applying for it, she was pleased. She really wanted me for this position. She wanted to hire me for it so much. However, HR stepped in and said that since I hadn’t been in my current position for 1 year, I was not eligible. Somehow this was a company policy that did not apply to anyone in the past, but for me they were going to whip it out and stick to it. So, I got passed up for the position and it passed to a really good friend. That was her jump from hourly to salaried.

Then another position came up. I decided not to go for this one, as it was for a Transportation Planner and I had no desire to get involved with trucking companies. Well, my other good friend at work (I only have 2) applied for this position. She is currently in my department, actually, we have the same position. She has 3 reports, I have 3 reports, and we both report to our boss. Anyways, she applied. Well, yesterday my boss all but told me she had gotten the position but they hadn’t offered it to her yet. Today my friend told me that they offered it to her and she would probably take it. I was excited for her, but then jealous. Now she is going from hourly to salaried!!! According to what they offered her, her current salary plus all overtime for this year is still 11% less than what they are offering her. Now, she has worked TONS and TONS of overtime – like 10-15 hrs a week for 3 months solid! That is a LOT of money…

So now my 2 work friends have made that jump… and I’m stuck at an under $30K job still paid hourly. And I think that just sucks.

Maybe it wouldn’t suck as much if my supervisor didn’t hint that a supervisor’s position would be opened (the missing step between me and my supervisor, who is actually a manager, btw). SO, I’m assuming that I would automatically fill the gap. I mean, when friend 2 leaves our department, that leaves me with 6 very incompetant people (OK, so 1 may not be incompetant. But she works in another state – yeah, all by herself in another state! And we have a 3rd office with another person in Canada… how much more confusing and disorganized is that? 6 people in customer service in 3 different offices…). SO, am I heading for the supervisor role? What irks me is that my boss loves to hint at stuff – and then eons pass before you hear anything more about it. She told me today that she requested for me to get a laptop for work instead of or in addition to my laptop. Now, only salaried people are allowed laptops… so does that mean I’ll be salaried? And she also said she was going to move where I was sitting… she’s reorganizing customer service… am I going to supervisor?

I want to know! So I left work today feeling very confused and very jealous. I don’t want to be jealous, but I kinda am.

And that brings me to tonight. Tonight Matt and I were sitting on the couch talking. He mentioned that he wanted me to start writing a bilingual children’s book (which is one of my life’s goals). I did a mock groan and started listing allllll the list of things he thinks I should do, of which here is a short rendition: write a bilingual book, write a children’s book (I already know my character/theme and it will not be bilingual), get my doctorate, get my masters, learn French better, learn Arabic, teach him better French, clean the house, do the laundry, ensure a steady supply of clean whitie-tighties, pay the bills, pay the bills ON TIME (ok, so I slipped a couple of times…), get promoted at work (ACK!!!), remember everything for him, organize the house, etc, etc, etc…

I was joking at first (and by joking I mean I was playfully listing everything off that I felt he really wanted of me), but then after the list felt long and extra hard, my emotions shifted and I confronted him with, “Now do you see why I get overwhelmed? When I say, ‘Leave me alone’ sometimes I just really mean it.” That feels like a huge list to try to accomplish – especially since it feels like I have to do most of it simultaneously. We laughed about it some more and I said, “Now do you see why I have issues? Such bad issues?” And we joked some more…. and I said that he was probably 1/4 of all the issues I had, or at least, he contributed to that much.

And then he came up with a revelation that I can’t believe I never recognized. After I pointed out that I was in surprisingly good shape for someone who had all my issues — I don’t drink, do drugs, cut myself, or abstain from food, no chemical dependencies — he said that I was his dependency. I agreed somewhat, saying that I liked to be adored and that I always liked guys who just adored me, would do anything for me and pretty much did. He agreed, but that’s not what he was talking about.

He said that I needed someone who would adore me, but would also cut me down with many scathing remarks and that was my substitute for cutting. Instead of cutting myself with knives, I preferred words.

I let this sink in for several very long moments, realization dawning on me. That theory really does fit, it does work. I have this twisted way of being adored, and yet I love to be insulted and degraded with words. I take them as huge signs of interest and adoration. They are verbal signs of love to me. And I’ve done that for years. When I was with him (see all of 2000-2001 entries), he used to tease me incessantly – the the point of near cruelty with words and actions… and I thrived on it. I never felt more alive or more happy. And with Matt, its just stronger adoration with better, more atrocious word choice. And what do I do with this? I love it. I embrace it heart and soul. It becomes me.

When I was in highschool, my mom asked me if he ever hurt me by calling me names, and I said, no. I really, really enjoyed it. I think I wrapped my entire identity in those names, and I think that I’ve never escaped that feeling. Take away my nickname, and you will kill me.

So, there’s my issue. I don’t cut myself, I don’t get high… I get high, elated feelings when I’m teased and joked about… that’s who I am.

One final note. For anyone who is concerned, I am not talking verbal abuse… there are no threats, no lies, no words of degradation like “you’re a fat ugly slob.” I wish I could show you the clear line of why I say and know that its not abuse… but I don’t think you’d understand unless you knew me and Matt. I can say that I am happy about the way things are between us – and I wouldn’t want to trade it in. I’m just unnerved at how truthful his insight was and how I didn’t recognize it… and now I need to think about how I

really feel about that… give me a couple of days/weeks to digest all of this.