forced/compelled/abused… selfish?

Every day since this past Sunday… wait, that’s only three days ago?… has been awful. All my hopes for the perfect wedding that I wanted were dashed… and washed away forever. A sea of perfect hopelessness has swallowed them up and I know I shall never see them again.

I wanted to get married in France. Matt first suggested the idea to me, which surprised me. He doesn’t care too much about France, but he knows how much I love it and how much I’d love to get married there. So we thought that we would have our parents and siblings fly over there with us and we’d get married on that awful mountain where we nearly fell to our deaths (in my opinion). Anyway, we went to school at the foot of the mountain… If the weather was nice, we could have our wedding pictures with all of the French Alps in the background – how beautiful would that be! Plus, we could share with our families what a wonderful place Collonges and Geneve are.

But no. Matt’s parents absolutely refuse to do anything of the sort. Instead, I’m “very selfish and basically need to grow up.” They want a big wedding with everyone – all friends and family. To Matt’s dad, its the “best way to get presents.” Like presents are that important to me! It makes me so, so angry. They were outraged at the idea of Matt and I having a tiny wedding or a civil ceremony like he and I had been discussing over the past several months.

And then it went from bad to worse. Matt told me that he’s never wanted a civil ceremony or the France thing. He wants the big wedding just like his family. So, now I have no allies in this. My parents were tolerant of my idea; they at least respect my wishes and love me enough to see that I should do what would mean the most to me and make me the happiest.

But I guess that just can’t work. I can’t have a wedding for ‘me.’ No, I have to have a wedding for EVERYONE ELSE. I am just so furious. Why should I be compelled to fulfill everyone else’s wishes except for my own?

I don’t want a wedding! The idea has become absolutely repulsive to me. Why would I want to put myself through twelve months of absolute stress on top of 1) my senior year of college, 2)being a RA in the dorm, 3)applying to grad schools, 4)being President of the French Club? As if I don’t have enough responsibility and demands on my life, I’m supposed to plan my wedding AND coordinate where I’ll be living right after that wedding. And they’re calling me selfish and immature.

I’ve done so much crying in the past few days. I’ve just seen all my dreams vanish… The past few months have been so stress free because I was freed from the burden of having to have a wedding. Matt and I argued for two days straight on the phone, for hours at a time. I’ve felt and continue to feel so betrayed at how he hid his true feelings from me. I can appreciate that he was wanting to give me what I wanted, but is that any reason why not to explain your feelings on such an important decision and event? I’m not even sure if I’m reacting to this right. Should I be angry? I am. Should I be hurt? I am. He’s apologized, but I don’t think he’s realized how far this has hurt me. Matt was my only ally… and he’s betrayed me in this. I thought that he and I could stand strong against whatever came up with our plans… I never expected him to turn on me. Now I’m alone.

In our arguments, he told me to just make the decision and do what I wanted. But I don’t have that freedom. If I did that, then his entire family would be in uproar against me… his dad already thinks I’m a control freak and that I really control Matt’s every move. That could not be farther from the truth. And it really hurts me that someone would seriously think that about me and make comments in front of me and behind my back about it. Its just not right. See, now I’m about to start crying again.

I always knew life wasn’t fair, but its never tasted so bitter before.

Why am I so against having a wedding? Here is a list of my reasons:
1. They’re an expensive waste of money for just a 2-3 hour event.
2. They’re a huge waste of time.
3. The stress will endanger my health (and I’m not joking).
4. I hate being “on display.”
5. I don’t like traditional things and a wedding is all about the traditions.
6. Why do I want a huge audience watching me do one of the most important things of my life? How is that enjoyable or personable or meaningful?
7. I think that rituals are in bad/poor taste… what is a wedding but a ritual?
8. This is a poor reason, but I’d look awful in any sort of white dress due to my weight, bone structure, and height. I’m short and wide and its awful.
9. I like things to be simple. Weddings are never simple.
10. I have no idea what I want to do for a wedding – and I have literally spent probably 100+hours LOOKING and READING about weddings – wedding pictures, dresses, traditions, ideas, gen. info. I think I can safely say that I’ll never have an idea of any cohesiveness and it will only be a mishmash of things.

Now, that list probably does seem selfish. I’ll admit that it is in someways… I’m also a perfectionist – if I can’t do something perfect, then I won’t do it at ALL. That’s partially how I feel about this. I don’t don’t don’t don’t DON’T want a wedding!

And I really have no choice in the matter. If I want to preserve the relationships with my future in-laws and their… how do I put this? Their… “expectant” or “the wealthy side who have certain expectations that must be met or you’ll ruin the relationship forever and be branded as ‘this’ or ‘that.'” All in all, its awful. Supposedly, the wedding is traditionally all about the bride. But this bride is getting the wedding she doesn’t want.

Above all of that, there’s only one reason why I’m even willing to go along with it and not just say, “Screw you all, I’m doing what I want.” (Wow, how I would love to do that.) It’s because of my fiance Matt. I love him so much – and if he really deep down wants a wedding, then I have to compromise with him and give him some type of wedding that I’ll hopefully be able to stand… and that will make him happy. I couldn’t live with myself if I neglected his true feelings… If I did, then I really would be a selfish cold-hearted bitch. And I’m not. As much as Matt’s father and brother think that, I’m really not.

And now the stress is already beginning. My neck is aching almost constantly… I’m not sleeping restfully… my stomach is getting upset at me again at nights… and I’m getting more headaches and more weepy than ever before in my life.

For something I don’t want, the wedding sure is causing me enough emotional stress. You think I’d be able to say “whatever” to everything – but I can’t relinquish all control over it.

I am just so upset about all of this. I go inbetween crying because of all the hurt and anger to being so angry I can’t cry… I can just feel my heart harden.

And now I’m becoming paranoid that his family is out to… not ruin my life, but make it less easy. For example, I paid $60 to change Matt’s plane ticket so that he could come visit me this summer before going out to Oregon for our family reunion this summer. All of a sudden, his family has dec

ided to celebrate his mom’s birthday in Colorado… so he’s only going to get here a day in advance of our departure. That is so not worth the $60! Just… inconsiderate in general.

That brings to mind another beef I have. I honestly don’t know if Matt has the balls to stand up against his family. I’ve never seen it happen… His dad and grandparents are all VERY strong-willed and their desire is law… How do I know that Matt defends me against them when they talk badly about me? How do I know that he can rebell against them?

Oh man, my stomach is really beginning to hurt… I need to just stop thinking about this and go to sleep… I’m so stressed I’m feeling sick… and this is only the beginning.

Maybe its just that THEY are being selfish. I wonder if that’s more the appropriate idea. comments?