Dream: Torture and mind control

I am in Texas, at my parent’s home. Something is terribly wrong in the world, but I’m not sure what or who it is. I am not permitted to leave the house. No one is. It’s as if we’re under a state of national emergency and martial law is in effect. However, this type of law has been going on for so long, it is now the normal state of things. Government representatives come to visit once, twice, or several times a week. I’m not sure why, I’m not told why. but one week, something changes.

Our representative has decided that I am no longer safe, no longer good. I have somehow offended him or the state, or maybe I didn’t. But suddenly I was the enemy. Every day I am tortured my by parents. It is against their will, but what choice did they have? They were compelled, but I didn’t know why. They weren’t permitted to speak to me. I could only see the pain and anger in their eyes. The representative always watched, always supervised. All I remember of the torture was that sometime it was with electricity, sometimes it was not. Other than that I completely blacked out. I would block out everything that happened during and right after, and just come alive as the representative left. I was kept in a cage on the living room floor. I was off limits to everyone in my family. I was not to be comforted, I was not allowed any pity.

The tortue continued. Soon, the representitive would just send word of what was supposed to happen to me. More electricity, longer sessions. Then, one day, he gave directions for some torture with electricity — something stronger, more powerful than anything I’d been given previously. I could hear my parents talking in quiet, worried whispers. They were crying, but since they weren’t allowed to speak to (or hardly look at) me, I watched them out of the corner of my eye. I could hear my mother saying, “I can’t do it… it could kill her… I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t care what happens to me, but I just can’t.” And my father would respond,, “We have to. We don’t know what will happen to us, or her, if we don’t. We don’t have a choice in this.” Tears started streaming out of my eyes. Whatever the directions were (and I knew it involved some very strong electricity), I didn’t want it to happen. I had to stop it. So I broke the silence – I had to. “Don’t… I can’t… I’ll talk to him. I’ll go against the orders — you don’t have to be involved. We can’t let this happen anymore… just let me talk.” They turned and looked at me, and I could see beyond the tears in their eyes, that this is what they wanted. They didn’t want to be forced into this anymore. Why would anyone force a parent to torture their children? And why would the parent go through with it instead of refusing? I don’t know, I’m not sure if I would ever find out.

The representative came. When he did, I was ready for him. I lashed out in all the anger that had been built up inside of me. “You bastard! You bastard! You have ruined our lives, you bastard! I won’t do it anymore, you can’t control me and I won’t break. You can’t break me, I won’t ever give in to you!” My voice strained with volume and ferocity. “They won’t do it anymore, you can’t make them! No one can! We won’t let you win! You have no power, no control over us! How dare you come here and force us to do stuff, you bastard! You can’t win! You can’t break me!” Tears are streaming down my face, the swelling of rage and hatred was pouring out in one steady release. “You bastard! What makes you think you have the right? I won’t break — you can’t control me! You’ll never win my mind!” I didn’t tell him to leave. I never threatened him. He never spoke. He looked at me, nodded his head, put on his hat, and walked out the door.

And then I understood it. It wasn’t about my parents, it wasn’t about breaking me. It was all a test to see how much I could withstand, was I strong enough? But the thing is, I didn’t know what the test was for. I just understood that it was for me.