Ignorantly blissed

I’ve felt a longing to write about all of the abuse for a long time, but it kills my heart to hurt her. She is a such a tarnished but beautiful person. To give her any more pain might destroy the strength that she’s got left, and she’s usually hanging on by a thin thread.
I’m her youngest daughter, and I’ve watched so much suffering in life. I’ve always been enlightened and empathetic to people that I’ve felt were genuine. She can’t help it, and I see that.
Mental illness “runs” in our family. Whatever that is supposed to mean. I believe mental illness is in everyone’s family, and it is a direct result from something traumatic that has happened.. Be it a family curse or something like that. Not that family curses cannot be broken; I am a firm believer that they can!

I was 2 years old when I was first molested. That time was from a woman. A wife and mother to adult sons. The whole family was evil. She was a dirt cheap babysitter, and mom liked to go out. My sister was messed with by the son, as well as my mom’s friends kids. I was the youngest, and the mother hurt me. Mom found out after I started acting things out on my dolls.
I am a mother of 3 beautiful children that take up every single space in my heart. God saved me with these 3. I look into their eyes and truly see Heaven. They are my light that literally broke through my darkness and changed my life.  As a mother, I could never ever hurt them like that. Any child, any human , anything .. I could never do that. I don’t understand how or why people do. And why are they allowed to continue living? After destroying someone’s light, why are they allowed to only receive a slap on the hand? I have always felt that raping someone is in a way killing a part of someone on the inside, and should be treated like murder. They should be punished for murder.
My childhood is filled with so much pain. So many pedophiles that I was bait for and I have so much anger in my heart that I just can’t get over. From the grown man named Kirby, that we were left with , alone , that took us to a church service , then brought us to his home and bathed with the door open and told us to join him. Coincidentally, I felt God at that church that day. I went up to the alter. I was around 9. I closed my eyes and I felt a wave a safety all over my body and mind and heart. I know that the Holy Spirit was there.
Or one of the boyfriends, that was a drug dealer and turned off the lights and told us to take our clothes off and have them off when the lights were back on…. I stole money from him. He never noticed, but I stole from the rolled up $5 bills he had in his bedroom. 3 $5 dollar bills, and I took them to school for ice cream. I told myself it was ok because he was bad a deserved it anyway.

Also, I was “gifted” at school. They wanted to move me up 2 grades. I finished tests early and would help teach other kids in my class. I was always on honor roll. I never let anyone know what was going on at home. It didn’t matter anyway, because we moved schools at least twice every school year , sometimes more.
I find it ironic when people assume that the kid acting out at school is the one with the bad home life. I think they should pay more attention to the kid with the great grades.

Signing off now because I never like to dive too deep into my past, not all at once. (Anger)

And I have a beautiful life now with my own little family . God has been the one constant in my life and I am a believer. If it wasn’t for God and his grace, I wouldn’t be here today. ❤️