Under a cold moon and a fractured sky

Evening, everyone. It’s 5:45am and I’ve yet to go to bed, as usual. I feel like all I’ve written are deep entries these days, but I guess there’s been a lot of stuff swimming around up there in the grey matter.

I’m not the best with words. I’m not a writer. I can’t string three completely unrelated words together and move people to tears. I wish I had that power! It’s something I’d like to do effortlessly, alas…

Anyway, the best I can do is ramble about what’s going on in my head, so there you have it.

I just spent the last three weeks in the rural mountains of Vermont, living very much inside my own head, trying to dust out the cobwebs and sort things out and put others into perspective. I usually come away from that place with a lot of inner peace. This time…it’s a little different. Again, I did a lot of sorting and brain organizing in order to set things right in my own head, but I came back home to the same things I thought I had sorted out.

I truly try to live by the philosophy “it is what it is.” People are who they are. I can’t change them. I can’t force anyone to be any other way, no matter what I think might be best for our relationship. So my problem is that at this point in time, I don’t know if I just don’t care anymore because I’m tired of trying in one particular situation or because I’ve gained enough insight over the last three weeks to realize that “it is what it is” and I have to accept things as they are. It feels more like giving up because I’m tired of trying and I’m especially tired of backsliding every time there’s progress, but at the same time, I don’t quit on people as a rule. So…here I am back at the same crossroad I left 21 days ago. This is incredible vague and I know this. I’m sorry.

Any and all negativity aside, I had a good time unplugging and working on that inner peace. John Muir, John Burroughs, Henry David Thoreau…these men are all right. Spending time in nature is something everyone should do at least once a year. No distractions, nowhere to be for days on end, no one to answer to…just go and be. Remind yourself who you are. Remember what you stand for. Find out what’s most important to you. Find your own inner calm and let that natural switch flip on when you discover the secret of life. It’s worth it. 🙂

Goodnight. 🙂