The old stars die and the young stars burn

I feel like I should be writing here more often. Throughout my time here on OD, dating back to 2001, I’ve gone through spurts where I’ve enjoyed writing and times when I’ve been very silent. I’m definitely feeling the pull to write here these days, even if I have little to say. I also feel like when I do write lately, I’ve done nothing but complain.

I feel…unsatisfied. Unnerved. Unbalanced a little. I’m getting extremely irritated with the people around me. Everyone seems to be very on edge and everyone seems very willing to quibble over things that basically mean nothing. Or they take things the wrong way. Or they take an example or a joke very literally and wind up getting offended. I’m just very tired of having to explain myself. If someone is going to get all up in arms over something I’ve said or done that means absolutely nothing, well, so be it. I’m done fighting that battle.

I turned 30 several days ago and I’m feeling it. Actually, I’ve been feeling 30 since I was about 10. I never felt like I was actually a kid. I always felt very much like an adult in a child’s body. Growing up, if people didn’t know my age, it was just assumed that I was in my mid-20’s to 30’s simply based on the way I spoke and whatever wisdom I may have emulated. I’m ok with this, except it’s starting to get a little old.

I don’t know whether I officially believe in past lives and reincarnation or not, but for as long as I can remember, I’ve always had this “been there, done that” feeling about life. Nothing feels new, patterns don’t seem random, I’m not surprised by people’s actions and I’ve always had this way of being able to describe people in a way that I’ve always been told was ‘spot on,’ even if it was my first time meeting them. So I don’t know whether I’m just bored of this life or if I’ve lived so many lives before that it’s just all old hat to me by now.

I’m just tired of the pettiness that I feel I’ve seen and lived through for much longer than my 30 years. I’m not someone who plays games or uses phrases with hidden meanings. I’m very direct and very up front and very honest. Take me as such or don’t bother trying. There’s nothing about me to ‘figure out’. I feel like I’ve dealt with that enough at some point in my past.

I’m probably not making much sense. Sorry.

I think what I might be seeking is a bit of spiritual guidance. I’m not talking religion by any means. I’ve been reading a lot about ‘Indigo children’ again, which, to some of you might sound like a bunch of new age hooey. To me, it very much feels like it fits my life and unfortunately, there aren’t many people in my life that I can discuss this with. It feels like that’s what I need these days, which explains the unbalanced feeling. I’m not quite sure what to do about this.