Some nights I call it a draw

Shamelessly stolen from [Robbie]. I’ve been wanting to write lately but if I have nothing to vent about, I don’t have the energy to just ramble about nothing, so a survey seems like the next best thing.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?: This question has always bothered me. ALWAYS. Back when I was a toddler, people told me that I spoke like a ‘little adult’. When I was a teenager, my normal way of speaking made others believe I was in my late 20’s or early 30’s. When I was in my very early 20’s, the doctors I worked with were all convinced that I grew up in a family of English teachers because I was so well-spoken and so adult for my age. Now that I’m 30, I’m not sure where I fit in and how I sound to those around me. Mentally and emotionally, I feel *so* very old. Not in a bad way. It’s just that my gut seems to constantly be reminding me that I feel like I know more than I should for the years I’ve lived and the sheltered life I’ve led. I feel like I would put myself somewhere around 70 years of age if I didn’t know how old I was.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?: Never trying IS failing.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?: I think we sort of have to do things we don’t want to do just because they’re necessary evils. If you don’t work, you can’t afford to pay for a place to live. Then you’re subject to the elements and have a higher risk of death. So to avoid all of the negative things, you work at a job you hate to pay bills in order to live a life you want. And I think in doing all of that, we don’t always make time or can’t always afford to do the things we really want, simply because we’re being “responsible adults”.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?: I think both go hand-in-hand sometimes. As of right now, because of all my talking in addition to gestures and giving my time, my love and my friendship, there are five people who credit me in some way for them still being alive. That’s huge. You can’t have a bigger honour than that. It may not have been only my words and it may not have been only my actions that helped. I think it was both. I could have talked forever, but if my actions didn’t match my words, neither would have meant anything. I don’t think the world is divided up into words vs. actions. Just because I haven’t traveled to 16 different countries by the time I was 21 doesn’t mean I haven’t lived as much as someone else. And just because I rarely speak out loud doesn’t mean my words don’t affect the people I choose to speak with.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?: At the moment, I’m settling for what I’m doing, as I’m not out there in the world pushing what I believe on people. But when it comes to something I do believe in, you can bet I do stand behind it in some way, shape or form.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?: I think the biggest thing for me would have been to get married and have kids as early as possible. I know that’s not exactly the end-all-be-all and it probably just set women back about a hundred years, but I don’t care. I’ve always wanted to be married with kids, and I would have pursued that much earlier and much faster had the human life span been so much shorter. Beyond that, I don’t think I would have changed anything else.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?: I think this is a pretty grey area as well. I tend to be very logical about things, which lead me to doing the right things. But I think when it really counts, if ‘doing things right’ was actually different from ‘doing the right things’, I would probably do whatever I had to do.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?: I’d do whatever any decent human being would do. I would make it known that this person they’re tearing to shreds is my friend and that I don’t care to hear what negative things they have to say. If they still continued, I’d do exactly what I’ve done in the past. I’d get up, tell these people that I’m through with their company due to their negative gossip, and I would excuse myself and walk away.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?: “Always be honest. With your words, your actions, your reactions, your emotions, with others and with yourself. Never apologize for being honest. You may regret some things you’ve said, but in the long run, you’ll regret it more if you’re ever in a situation where you could have spoken up but didn’t. You never know how you might change the world just by being truthful.”

Would you break the law to save a loved one?: Yes, if I had to, I would.

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?: This seems like a silly question. Everyone is different and everyone has different likes/dislikes. That’s why it’s so rare and lovely to find someone who enjoys similar things that you do.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?: Getting a job, probably. I’m still sort of enjoying being out of work and not having anyone to answer to. But now I’ve been out of work so long that it’s a little daunting to go back and I’m having trouble getting hired. So the thing that’s holding me back is partly me, partly others.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?: Probably. I think I still have father issues. As much as I’d love to confront those head on and really, REALLY let him and my mother know how I feel/felt for so many years of that mental and emotional bullying and abuse I had to deal with, I highly doubt it would ever happen. So every now and then I re-run scenarios in my head of how it could happen but never will. I suppose that’s holding onto things that I need to let go of. But those things are part of my past and they help me remember to be a better person than my father is/was.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?: I think there are lots of places I wouldn’t mind living if I ever worked up the never and had that wanderlust in me. Scotland, Ireland, Canada, Vermont, Alaska, Colorado, Antarctica, Australia…I’m sure there’s more but I’m getting sleepy and can’t think of any others at the moment.

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?: I have and no, I don’t believe it does.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?: Probably a worried genius. I’d hate to be worried all the time, because I just can’t imagine spending my life like that. But at least being a genius could work in my favour and I could do great things for the world and my causes.

Why are you, you?: I am a product of my past, my present, my dreams, the people I know, the friends I’ve made, my failures, my mistakes, my triumphs, my decisions, my thoughts, my actions, the people who have dragged me down, the people who have held me up, the solitude, the night, the stars, the books I’ve read, the music I’ve listened to, the movies I’ve seen, the religions I’ve studied, the things I’ve heard along the way and the future I’d like for myself. Everything in my life has gone into making me, me.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?: I think I’d rather never be able to make new ones. You can’t miss what you don’t have.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?: Yes, several times.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?: I’m sure whatever it was, it mattered very much to me at the time and in some small way, it’s affected something about me today. But does it directly matter to me today? No.

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?: I’ve always had good memories of being in Vermont. And quite honestly, aside from the small town feeling and the idea of really living in the 1800’s and really getting in tune with nature, I’m not sure why I enjoyed it so much. It’s always been nothing but work and visiting family that I had never met or barely knew. But somehow those were some of the best times.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?: Honestly…no. At least, not in the way this question is worded. If I’m going to have ‘the best conversation ever,’ there needs to be words involved. I can sit with someone and feel a very strong positive spiritual and emotional connection, however.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?: Quit unemployment for a million dollars? That seems…counter-productive. But I would! If I was getting paid a million dollars to go back to work, you bet I’d do it.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?: I think it all comes down to making sure you do things that you really love once in a while. Do something that makes your blood race. Do something that scares you, do something that thrills you. Do something you’ve never done before. Throw yourself outside of your comfort zone every once in a while. Find beauty in the mundane. If you never do that, you’re not truly living.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?: Just because your mistake was forgiven the first time doesn’t mean it will be the next time. Every mistake is different in some way and people are always afraid of the unknown.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?: I honestly don’t know!

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?: I won’t remember at all, no. I’ve done nothing significant over the last few days except renew my car insurance forms. I guess I’ll remember that in a few years since I have the date on the copies I made, but if not for that, I’d never remember it.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?: Ultimately I think everyone makes their own decisions. But I also believe that where the big decisions come in, we consider the people closest to us and/or the ones that will also be affected and we base our decisions on that. But I don’t necessarily believe that the latter means others are making decisions for you. I just think it means they help tip the scales in one direction or the other.