11/25/2013

The weather here was bitterly cold just a few days ago. So cold that without the proper clothing frostbite could become an all too real possibility. I find this photographers work inspirational. The subject matter is dark. Women who struggled with addiction and some of them were murdered. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/25/lincoln-clarkes_n_4317450.html The photos are inspiration in the sense that I see the beauty in these women and for a while at least, the strength to get through another day even though the means of coping were destructive and by no means socially acceptable.

Everyone out there no matter how evil has a grain of good in them the ability to lust and love even though it may be in a twisted way. When I was looking through the subject matter of that photographer there was one picture that  brought back a memory. In the photo a woman is sitting on steps surrounded by pumpkins. worldwidegreeneyes.com/1990s-ninetys-photographs/anthea/ she has this lithe like beauty. The memory was from the day after halloween. I was in an apartment building looking out the window. There was a man with long hair standing by a dumpster. He was picking up the remnants  of a tragically smashed pumpkin. Looking at photographs such as the aforementioned, makes me want to take pictures. But then there is the etiquette  of picture taking, how to broach the subject to take his/her photo and at the same time capture the moment.

On Saturday it was one of those days where I didn’t want to venture out for fear of frostbite. Or maybe it was Sunday when it warmed up. I was almost at my place then I saw a man who was carrying many shopping bags. He was a serious dumpster diver. His long beard looked as though it provided some warmth from the cold. His expression was serious with his quest to find bottles and cans. I wondered what he would do with the money that he received for them?

Karl and I continue to grow further apart, even though we are no longer together. At the beginning of November he sent me a message on facebook asking if I wanted to hang out. I was getting over a cold and conveyed that to him in my message. He didn’t reply which I thought was rude. He likely thought that I was making an excuse up. I did that many times in the past when I had no desire to see him. Well they weren’t so much excuses. But it was at the point where I knew if I was around him, I was likely to get annoyed. If I had PMS and was around him I would lose my temper in a flash. And who wants to be that person? The bitch the short tempered shrew, not me.

And after I lost desire for him the thought of being around him was no longer fun. I won’t go into the details because even though I think it was rude of him to not say "feel better" or even reply to my last FB message he really is a good person. He was always romantic, opened doors for me and has a kind heart. He also has a sense of fun similar to an eight year old boy. Here is an example of something he posted on his Facebook wall several weeks ago.

"Got a folding table, set it up beside my car. Stood on car roof, flopped sideways and crashed through the table, just like old times. That’s how you chase away the blues!"

And I have no doubt that it is likely something that he actually did. And no I don’t find it funny. If that is his sense of humor I really don’t get it,  nor want to understand that. Posts such as that make me wonder if he has some kind of mental imbalance. After we parted ways in a romantic sense I thought about getting out there and dating. After Wendell dumped me, I went into this dating frenzy. And it was fun meeting new guys but after a while, it just wasn’t for me. And lately, I realize I would rather be at home watching a good movie or cooking than out on some date. It is nice to go out with friends yet to also have the quiet of weekends to myself. I thought about if I want to romantically share my life with someone and right now the answer is no.