Talked

So, I finally got ahold of J and we talked. It’s mostly good news, but after getting off the phone with him I just wanted to throw things.

He said until we figure out the logistics of all of this, he’ll just pay the mortgage and bills like usual and we both have access to the checking account. And then had the nerve to tell me not to "go on a shopping spree or anything." Because I apparently have so much TIME to go out and fucking pamper myself right now. I also noticed from looking at the checking account that in the past few days he has bought flowers twice and eaten at fancy restaurants almost every day. So glad to see that while I’m at home freaking out about how I’ll take care of our kids he’s out having the time of his life and buttering up some skanky bitch.

I told him I’ll look into how we do this, legally. Partly because I know he might not ever get around to it, and partly because I want to control the situation as much as I possibly can. So I guess I have to start doing some research. He says he wants to be able to just sit down with a mediator and work things out, rather than having some drawn-out battle, which is what I want too….but I definitely want something legal that can be enforced. I don’t trust him at all, regardless of what he says right now.

I asked him if he wants to see the girls. His answer: "of course I want to see them, but not at the house because I don’t want them getting the wrong idea by seeing me there." Yes, so much better for them to get the apparent "right" idea that he doesn’t want to see them? Because just having their daddy suddenly disappear is fine, but God forbid they see him at our house….THAT would be confusing. I want to punch him. He can’t have them over to the apartment where he’s shacked up with skanky bitch (he doesn’t want to, and definitely no argument from me about that!) and doesn’t want to take them out somewhere because he’s never taken them out of the house by himself and would have no idea what to do.

So, no immediate plans for him to spend any time with the kids. I’m getting the impression that he doesn’t care at all about it.

And then he proceeded to tell me, in detail, about all the sex he’s having. Seriously. Just to be a vindictive asshole, I guess. Which I have to say I prefer to the alternative, which would be him being an asshole by punishing me with money. So in the grand scheme of things….whatever. I just can’t believe what a horrible person he is. It makes me kind of glad that all my old entries from this diary are gone, because I know there were several where I talked all about how awesome our marriage was, and why I wanted to spend my life with him, etc. I’m glad I don’t have to read that now, because I am honestly embarrassed that I EVER thought this was a person I would love for my whole life. The sex thing came up when he made the comment about me not going on a shopping spree with the money, and I made some comment about him buying flowers twice, and he thought it would be a good idea to tell me exactly what skanky bitch did for him that made him want to buy her flowers.

She’s a disgusting whore, is all I have to say.

And I realize I shouldn’t bother directing any of my anger at her, because this is HIS fault. But it’s hard not to hate her, too. She knows me, she’s met the kids. She knows that the guy she’s fucking is someone’s husband, someone’s father, and that by being with her he’s breaking up a family and leaving two kids without a daddy. So yeah, I hate her.

Anyway….enough feeling sorry for myself. This really could be SO much worse. For now, I have a house and a little money, and still get to be with my girls.

And really, it’s a blessing in a way that he’s so uninterested in time with the girls. I mean, it’s horrible, but at least it seems that we’re not going to have some heated custody battle, and I’m not going to have to "share" them very much.

I’m thinking that I should look into licensing requirements for doing an in-home daycare. I have a friend who is a single mom and is able to stay home with her kid all day by just watching a couple other kids in her house. So that might be a compromise, at least. I don’t really like other people’s kids, but I can definitely put up with them if it means I won’t have to leave my babies in daycare all day!

After that conversation with J, I at least feel a little closure on the marriage. I don’t want him back, and he doesn’t want to come back. So I can move on and not look back. It’s a huge relief, really.

But I still want to punch him.