Superstition is stupid

Ok, so…

I strayed from writing in here for so long because I’ve always been in the wrong frame of mind. I didn’t want to have this be what it’s been for me anymore, and I think it was perpetuating the ill frame of mind (for now let’s call it “imminent death syndrome”), and now I think I’m not looking to talk about things the wrong way.

However I really have no plan for the content of this, so it might seem a bit unorganized.

My life is still a joke, and I’m really ashamed to talk about it to people I know. I can’t feel your judging glares so it’s all clear here.

I’m pretty much out of savings, so I actually had to get off my ass. I got a job working at a haunted house to survive for the month, but I’m out applying for serving jobs hardcore, and now I’m to the point where I can’t let up, because I don’t have room to.

I hung out with some people I met at the haunted house. Simply put they are 17 year old girls. I find this plenty funny, and while their ability to entertain me is pretty limited, I liked spending time with them, because they don’t care about the things that most older people I meet and talk to care about. They don’t have to ask me what I’m doing with myself, they don’t really care. They just have to be home on time or their parents get mad. Now, before you mock me, I was dragged along to their “one of my friend’s parents are out of town” party, but ended up having a surprisingly good time. Also it’s amusing that they talk about sex more than I think about it. It was a pleasant departure from the 25 year old range crowd that I usually spend time with.

I’m of course great at scaring the shit out of people, and like the idea of getting paid for it.

I think I may have made a huge mistake. I recently emailed my best friend of ~6 years about a series of dreams I had about her. They were accurately described as intimate. Now, they weren’t sex dreams, so don’t get the wrong idea, and I wouldn’t tell her if they were. I tried to explain to her the complicated yet strong feelings I have. I don’t want to date her or anything, but a lot of the things people do who are dating don’t seem like a stretch for the level of closeness we have, and I was trying to get that across. We’ve kissed before, but it’s not heat of the moment intimacy, it was a goodbye when I left for vegas.

Ah, I guess I should just paste an excerpt.

I don’t think it means anything anymore than most dreams mean anything, but it kindof gave me the need to try and get some things clear with you. And I hope that you understand that getting things clear with you shouldn’t be of any great consequence, there’s no shocking truth, or really anything there that should change anything between us. I just don’t like feeling like I’m hiding something, even if it’s things we’ve scraped on discussing before, or things I don’t need to tell you.

That said, I obviously have really strong feelings for you. Now, it’s completely unfair to put a name to any of these feelings, because frankly, they are the most complicated feelings I’ve ever had. This is not very easy for me, I’ve heard your stories of how tired you grow of your friends falling in love with you, and how badly things go after that, but I trust you to understand that our history and relationship is too unique for it to be as simple as that, and that really, the only change I want telling you this to bring out is maybe some extra reassurance that it’s not a one-sided thing (during my often long runs without communication). These feelings don’t mean I want anything different from you, and that wouldn’t change regardless of where I was living. So let me sum this up, since I have yet to put words on what I’m saying: I’m comfortable with a great level of intimacy with you, but don’t have an active desire for it. The things that happen in my dreams don’t seem the least bit unnatural to me, but I don’t find myself wanting it. So, if the situation goes with it (a very good example being our goodbye when I left for vegas), then it doesn’t seem odd or out of place. But outside of those situations, I’m not seeking it, or seeking to create a situation in which I am. I feel very close to you, but not physically drawn to you. I sure hope that’s clear, I rephrased it enough times. I feel like I’ve been hiding that for fear on not being able to properly explain it, even though we seemed to have a wordless rudimentary understanding. At times I feel that I’ve strayed away from what I felt emotionally comfortable with in more than appropriate situations for fear of misinterpretation. So this doesn’t happen again, I wanted to get our understanding a little less rudimentary and a little more crystal clear. Though it’s tough to be 100% clear, since as I said, it’s pretty complicated.

Summary: I’m comfortable with you, let me know if it’s going to be awkward.

So I’m pretty sure that was a bad idea, I did it just after I woke up from the dream, but maybe not. It’s already done so it’s a little late to hold me back, but I would apreciate opinions to one side or the other so I can shake the uncertainty.

I often wonder when I’ll die. I don’t have a morbid fascination but I just think it’d be easier to plan my life if I could plan around that. Also I don’t think I’d mind, but I don’t think I’d say I have a deathwish.

I am pretty unsatisfied with my appearance. It’s been a long time since I cared how I looked, and I know I don’t look bad, I just remember looking better at one time. My reaction is to do something about it, but I don’t exactly have the best gym here, or money for a better one. I should’ve tricked myself into never being satisfied, and then I would’ve never given in to laziness. Maybe I did that a while ago and it’s just now kicking in, I really don’t remember.

Who knows how long I’ll hang around here, maybe enough to catch up with everyone (I’m sure you’re all skeptical of that). I was never that valuable anyway.

I’m the parsley of OD.

Log in to write a note
October 14, 2006

I’ve come to expect the once every six months or so update from you. And that’s good and fine. Who wants to be “forced” on here anyway? Regarding your friend… if she has trouble accepting your honesty, that is shitty. A dream is simply that, a dream. It doesn’t mean you want or desire anything. I dream about tornados hitting houses, having sex with women, running around on fire, figure skating, this and the other… I’m not sure any of those things have any meaning. Shorter version: If she has an adult mentality, I don’t think this is going to have any effect on your friendship. If it does, perhaps it is something that will bring you closer. If she seems to pull away… to me that is a sign of immaturity. That’s just my opinion. And as usual… it’s very wordy. Best of luck with the money and job situation. You could always work with my cousin at the Monte Carlo. 🙂 Take care.

October 14, 2006

My entire weekend home is my family asking me “what are you doing with yourself these days?” as if I’ve saved the aids babies and solved poverty since the end of junior year. Living paycheck to paycheck is the balls. I’m doing it know, hang in there.

October 14, 2006

I think I understand what you’re going for in the e-mail, but it does sorta come across as a convoluted way of admitting a crush. It also seems like you’re looking for reassurance that your feelings are required (I suppose you even admit that you are), which people don’t always like. That said, it isnÂ’t really fair to analyze an excerpt of an e-mail concerning a relationship I know nothingabout, so IÂ’ll shut up now.

October 15, 2006

Most of the people that ask you about what you’re doing with yourself don’t really care, either. They’re going through the social motions, more often than not. And when there’s a surprise in the usual call-and-response, they take the moment to proffer unsolicited “advice” and pretend concern, among other things. Annoyed? Bitter? What? 🙂 As for the email, it is what it is. Given moretime, you probably wouldn’t have hit send. And, yes, there’s a possibility it’ll raise some awkwardness for a bit, but you do have a history there. And histories invoke all kinds of unspoken, yet shared, truths and understandings. You may or may not hit a bump in the road, but I find it highly unlikely it will be much more than a bump if it goes that direction. And it’s altogether possible it will be taken as intended. Which is the drawn out version of: I think it’s fine, all things considered. You’re far spicier than parsley. And more valuable, too. You may not be here consistently, but I’m always glad when you do show up. So hush with the parsley talk.

October 15, 2006

And… Re: my colors/photo: It’s this thing that happens about once a year. For a brief period, I stick with colors that look fine, but aren’t the epitome of well-suited. It doesn’t ever last very long, and I’m likely to switch up the pictures several times over while those colors are active (like I’ve already done, because I grew tired of looking at my foot – and I’m not even completely sold on the photo that’s up right now). So, basically, they’ll likely be changing soon, for what it’s worth. In the meantime, I’ll bask in the departure. Or something.

October 15, 2006

It’s the people who gave into… “The Man” or whatever force that drives people to pay to escape the pop-ups that can leave the massively long notes. One of the “perks” that’s supposed to make you feel like less of a sell-out are 1200 character notes.

October 15, 2006

ryn: 1.) Many people suck, yes. And friends and relatives care in various ways. Or, okay, I’m totally projecting. Which would lead to… 2.) The bitter/annoyed thing was more in reference to the fact that if I ever get ranty about 1, it has a tendency to come off as bitter and annoyed. Which is mostly annoyed, not so much bitter. And, yes, you’ve told me. So, we’re good there. 3.) I don’t see the quick decisions as impulsive. I get the rapidfire angle consideration. Give it time before you worry. It can take awhile to process something like that and decide how to respond. Even when it’s favorable.

October 15, 2006

4.) Okay, yes. Parsley can be exciting. And even beneficial. 5.) I’m now thinking too hard about it and it’s beginning to go over mine, too. Heh. and and.. awww. 🙂 The sentiment is mutual, dear sir.

October 15, 2006
October 15, 2006

RYN: I’ve been known to rape bowls too. Don’t even let me near the soup toureens

October 15, 2006

i think there are enough insightful opinions on here to give you what you need. it was nice to see you around here though.

October 17, 2006

i do owe you an email. i haven’t forgotten. my writing skills are seriously lacking latetly, so i’ll have to ask you to be understanding.

October 18, 2006

did she write you back? you shoulda just called her. and. thats all.

One other thing. I doubt you’ve tricked yourself into being satisfied. Laziness doesn’t come from satisfaction… And also, one time you said to me, “And don’t get me wrong, my body is amazingly efficient, and remains in astounding health despite anything I do to it. But it could always recover faster, adapt quicker, and perform better, with less training. I’ll never be satisfied, there’s no

October 18, 2006

…limit to perfection.” What happened to that? Nothing, you probably still feel that way. For real now, that’s all.

October 18, 2006

okay seriously, last thing. When I was little, I always used to eat the parsley. Just for the record. And here is Laffy Taffy’s contribution to your woes: What do you call singing lettuce? Elvis Parsley!

October 18, 2006

So, I was in the shower today when I remembered two more movies. Granted, I’ve not got a firm handle on your genres of choice, but I love these, so there. Or something. State and Main and Broadcast News. I should probably start a list. Or I may just stick with passing them off as they come. I haven’t decided yet.

October 19, 2006

It takes one to know one. And you don’t really miss me. But I do rock. And you owe me an email. I know there is probably a long line of you-owe-me-an-email girls now that you’ve just returned after a prolonged hiatus. And we know how you love your xx following and how you love to leave all the flyest of the bitches wanting more….

October 19, 2006

Asshole.

October 19, 2006

All I’m saying is that if I were you I would put me at the top of the list of fly bitches to write to.

October 20, 2006

[ryn: I shut everyone out for a reason, dear. It’s called plagiarism and I’m not a huge fan. How did you find me? Welcome to my diary.]

October 25, 2006

😛

October 25, 2006

someone is being a dick.

October 25, 2006

ryn: enjoy what, exactly?

October 26, 2006

I do take pleasure in it.

October 26, 2006

And on OD I’m the disappointing orange you get after the meal instead of the fortune cookie or chocolate mint.

October 27, 2006

Thank you for your note, as confusing as we all are, im glad you can make sense of things.

October 28, 2006

RYN: Well, I wasn’t talking about just the response to your note, but it is among the ones I noticed, so your presumption is justified.

October 28, 2006

Well, yes. I was aware of that. But it makes for a more interesting tid bit if I bypass the obvious reason for the southern/northern swap and punch up the seeming geographical insanity. Thank you, though. Had I still been in a quandary about it, that would’ve helped immensely.

October 30, 2006

The song got lodged in my head (not unpleasantly, of course). If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll let you pick the topic for the next entry. I even trust you enough to not add the whole “veto power” addendum. Oooh. You’re special.

November 1, 2006

for the record i could. whether or not you let me, actually. be careful about giving me more brilliance than i deserve though. on second thought, no, go right ahead. maybe someday i’ll put it back up somewhere. maybe if you put back calvin and hobbes. maybe.

November 3, 2006

I’d call it sufficient, too, actually. So, I failed my expectations, as well. Not that it makes it any better. And that means I probably should’ve held off on posting and gone for a rewrite/do-over or something. Anyway, I get it. I agree. Okay. That is a rare treat. I pick “fear.” re: makeup – Given the reason they’re patrons, I think you could use the term “satisfied.” And with a mask, there’s a lot left unknown. With makeup, you can make out things like bone structure and the lack of hideous deformities. Plus, scary makeup probably does it for some girls. That whole “different strokes…” cliche. So it was likely quite scary makeup. Especially when you know how to use it.

November 4, 2006

Heh. Guess what I just recently realized? I still owe Mia an entry on fearlessness. Does it make it better or worse that I’ll probably not be too far behind you with a similarly themed entry?

November 5, 2006

in assuming your friends would judge you and make you utterly ashamed of screwing with your life, aren’t you judging them the way you don’t want to be? friends, real friends, will tell you their judgement of your (possibly stupid) actions, then hug you and help you turn things around. the only person who will humilate you, is you.

November 8, 2006

Ryn: Titles are not my strong suit, tits, however, are. I’ve got DD’s, and not in a hot turn you on way either. They’re mamma titties.